1) I’m a terrible manager of myself. If I was a good manager, I’d fire me for being a rotten employee.
1a) If I was my employee, I hope I’d fight my firing and try to get disability for depression instead.
1b) If I was a really good manager, I’d make my employee-self get treatment for depression.
I have a really long post half-written about depression. Not so much fighting it, because I’m not fighting it very successfully, but about the ironies of needing motivation to fight an illness when a symptom of the illness is lack of motivation. Actually, it’s not really about that at all, but that’s what it will get to eventually if I ever finish writing it. I promised a friend that I’d get medication in August. It’s now December. Time moves very quickly when you sleep through it.
I suppose that counts as a random thought, but that wasn’t where I was going with my randomness.
2) UFYH had a post about how doing one dish was better than doing none, although technically the person posting had done ten. For a brief moment in time, I found that motivating. Then yesterday I looked at the kitchen and did the math. If I wash one dish but use three, I am on a path of inevitable decline. My lackadaisical dishwashing simply staves off the moment when there are no clean dishes left and makes the misery of a mostly dirty kitchen last longer. Possibly much, much longer. So we did a 20/10 and Rory did the kitchen.
3) Walked the dog after dark yesterday. Not my usual habit. Instead of chasing lizards, she chased frogs, and instead of terrifying squirrels, she frightened a rabbit. My neighborhood has just as much animal life at night, but totally different. This morning I saw a hawk, sitting high up on a street light and I wondered whether an owl took its turn on the same post the previous night. I should walk the dog at night more often.
4) I was seriously considering skipping Christmas entirely this year. My entire gift budget disappeared last week in a — wow, so I wish it had been an electrical problem, so I could write “crackle and pop”, but no, it was more of a “thud” — when R dropped his computer. Or dropped something on his computer. Or possibly both, I’m still not sure I understand the story. But the computer was dead and he needs a computer for school and thus, he has an awesome Christmas gift — relatively, that is, it was the cheapest laptop we could get — and there will be no other Christmas presents.
And Christmas was my mom’s holiday. Last year I cried through decorating the tree and took it down the day after Christmas with relief. Why put myself through that? Then I read this post on Momastery. You know how sometimes you read something that doesn’t really fit your circumstances but still strikes a chord? That’s what happened. There’s no line or sentence I can point to that was the meaningful one, but as I said there, “You’ve reminded me why I should care (about the holiday). We celebrate the light in the darkness. If it was just light in light, what would there be to be thankful for?”
I have a lot to be thankful for. (But I should probably still figure out how to get some anti-depression drugs.)
Hi Sarah, Sorry about the depression thing. I don't suppose you could have the friend or R make an appointment and organize you to get to a doctor? I think the anti depression drugs seem to make life easier for some people.Personally I completely ignore Christmas but it is easier to do so when family lives 10,000 miles away. The family drama over the holidays was really painful when I lived near them. Easier to make sympathetic noises to people over skype when they relate who said or did or didn't do or didn't say whatever. My sister doesn't like my brother to come over and my father is adamant that he should be included and who is going to cook what. I am so happy to live far far away. 🙂 Carol
Last year, R and I had a Doctor Who marathon on Christmas Day. I'd seen the show a few times before, but not gotten hooked, and I knew that there were Christmas specials. I told him to figure out what we'd watch and he picked all the weeping angel episodes. I spent the day huddled in my chair, afraid to close my eyes. Then we went out and had Korean food for dinner. I had complacently thought, 'tourist town, plenty of restaurants will be open.' Not so much! But it was really fun. I think he'll probably remember it forever and it's a great reminder that an alternative Christmas has lots to offer. The drugs are complicated because of price and doctor. I had an adverse reaction one time, so my doctor is reluctant to prescribe and would prefer I see a specialist. Unfortunately, that's easier said than done. I should probably just take up yoga–recent research says it's as effective as any drugs!
The problem I have found with yoga – well with any exercise – is motivating myself to actually do it. It might be more bother than washing dishes. As I lie in bed in the morning I say to myself, today I will exercise. And I visualize myself leaving the house and doing one of my favourite walks. Then I get up, make a cup of coffee, sit in front of the computer and start working. No exercise. Sigh. Yesterday I cancelled my gym membership because it had been two months since I had gone. Taking a pill is easier. I wish they had an exercise pill. It is lovely and quiet for Christmas week here in Wellington, but you would be hard pressed to find a restaurant open on the holidays. I tried to eat out our first year here and ended up with fish and chips. Now we get some ham and christmasy food and just do something simple.
True, counting on getting motivated to do yoga is probably not the best idea. I have a friend who moved to Wellington from San Francisco. I haven't talked to her in years, but I believe it took her a while to get used to the calm. It sounded wonderful to me.
Yeah my xmas money got eaten up by expenses of traveling to a funeral. I like to celebrate solstice instead, anyway. I really am happy that the days will start to be longer.Sorry to hear about your depression. I only have it situationally for short periods but even that wrecks my productivity.
I always love solstice, too. In Florida, it matters less because I actually do manage to get enough sun, but when I lived in northern climes, winter days started to get to me around about now and had me miserable by February.I'm sorry about your Christmas money, although more so about the funeral. He was young and it sounded as if it was a shock, so this is probably going to be a hard Christmas for your family anyway. Take care of yourself!
Sarah have you had hour vitamin D levels checked? Your depression and lack of motivation may be due to your saratonin levels. A general lack of interest in things can be just as debilitating as the "sadness" of depression.
Sorry. Forgot to give you major credit for writing two fabulous books! I picked up Ghost free and finished it in a few hours then immediately bought book 2 last night and just finished it! REALLY REALLY ENJOYED THEM! You are a Writer worth reading. Don't give up.
Thank you so much–for the credit and the suggestion! I actually did get told to take Vitamin D and calcium at my last doctor's appt but I always forget. I'll…do something to remind myself. Put the pills next to the coffee, maybe?