1) I’m a terrible manager of myself. If I was a good manager, I’d fire me for being a rotten employee.

1a) If I was my employee, I hope I’d fight my firing and try to get disability for depression instead.

1b) If I was a really good manager, I’d make my employee-self get treatment for depression.

I have a really long post half-written about depression. Not so much fighting it, because I’m not fighting it very successfully, but about the ironies of needing motivation to fight an illness when a symptom of the illness is lack of motivation. Actually, it’s not really about that at all, but that’s what it will get to eventually if I ever finish writing it. I promised a friend that I’d get medication in August. It’s now December. Time moves very quickly when you sleep through it.

I suppose that counts as a random thought, but that wasn’t where I was going with my randomness.

2) UFYH had a post about how doing one dish was better than doing none, although technically the person posting had done ten. For a brief moment in time, I found that motivating. Then yesterday I looked at the kitchen and did the math. If I wash one dish but use three, I am on a path of inevitable decline. My lackadaisical dishwashing simply staves off the moment when there are no clean dishes left and makes the misery of a mostly dirty kitchen last longer. Possibly much, much longer. So we did a 20/10 and Rory did the kitchen.

3) Walked the dog after dark yesterday. Not my usual habit. Instead of chasing lizards, she chased frogs, and instead of terrifying squirrels, she frightened a rabbit. My neighborhood has just as much animal life at night, but totally different. This morning I saw a hawk, sitting high up on a street light and I wondered whether an owl took its turn on the same post the previous night. I should walk the dog at night more often.

4) I was seriously considering skipping Christmas entirely this year. My entire gift budget disappeared last week in a — wow, so I wish it had been an electrical problem, so I could write “crackle and pop”, but no, it was more of a “thud” — when R dropped his computer. Or dropped something on his computer. Or possibly both, I’m still not sure I understand the story. But the computer was dead and he needs a computer for school and thus, he has an awesome Christmas gift — relatively, that is, it was the cheapest laptop we could get — and there will be no other Christmas presents.

And Christmas was my mom’s holiday. Last year I cried through decorating the tree and took it down the day after Christmas with relief. Why put myself through that? Then I read this post on Momastery. You know how sometimes you read something that doesn’t really fit your circumstances but still strikes a chord? That’s what happened. There’s no line or sentence I can point to that was the meaningful one, but as I said there, “You’ve reminded me why I should care (about the holiday). We celebrate the light in the darkness. If it was just light in light, what would there be to be thankful for?”

I have a lot to be thankful for. (But I should probably still figure out how to get some anti-depression drugs.)