Bittersweet is still sweet

I told Sophie this morning that it was too cold to sit outside and we couldn’t play anymore, and then I looked at the weather app on my phone.

It was 58 degrees.

I was embarrassed, to be honest. What a wimp I am! But also kind of amused. It took such a long time for me to adapt enough to Arcata to think that temps in the 50s were comfortable, and such a short time for me to adjust right back to Florida. But we are having a nice little burst of winter now — I’m wearing my favorite jackets every day and drinking hot tea — and I’m enjoying it, even if I am reluctant to sit outside for hours and hours. It fits so well with the time of year, to be just a little chilly.

Many of my neighbors had their Christmas decorations up even before Thanksgiving, but there are more every day. I rolled my eyes a little last week — can we not at least wait until after we give thanks? But then I decided that maybe people were just really, really ready to get into the season that celebrates light in the darkness, hope and generosity, kindness and giving. Maybe people just felt like looking forward to Christmas was easier than being thankful and the sooner we got to it the better.

In that spirit, Jamie and I bought a Christmas tree this weekend, and decorated it yesterday, when its branches had time to settle out a little. We each have Christmas ornaments of our own, so they’re blended together on the tree, mostly harmoniously. Mine are all flat wooden ornaments, mostly hand-painted, because they were what was easiest to keep during my van life. They don’t take up a lot of room. They’re all from a few specific years of my childhood, namely 4th and 5th grade, and then 8th grade and later, so they have nostalgia for me, but the nostalgia is all childhood nostalgia.

I get a good hit of nostalgia from Jamie’s ornaments, too, though, because he’s got a lot of pop culture, things relevant to my life, if not really to my childhood.

One of his ornaments, Dumbo, gave me such vivid memories of Rory at almost 3. We had the Disney videotape, no idea where it came from, and R wanted to watch it over and over again, even though it always made him cry. It was one of my first and strongest moments of mystification as a parent — that complete uncertainty about what the right thing to do was. Do I let him watch it, even though he cries? Do I make it disappear? Do I stop the movie to discuss what he’s feeling? Do I just comfort him during the movie? Is this experience, that he clearly wants to have, because he keeps asking for it, good for him or bad for him? I knew I wasn’t going to tell him that he was being ridiculous and there was nothing to cry about — it’s sad! — but avoiding that social programming was a challenge. We’re so culturally indoctrinated to try to make people stop crying, because it makes us uncomfortable to see someone crying. But I can remember holding him on my lap, his head against my shoulder, agreeing that yes, it was tremendously sad that Dumbo was being taken away from his mother, but he didn’t have to worry, because that was never, ever going to happen to him. Oh, the irony.

Jamie’s Harry Potter ornament reminded me of staying out until midnight with R and my nephew, Ty, at a Barnes & Noble, waiting for the release of the last book in the series. July 2007. When midnight finally rolled around and they started to call numbers to buy our books, the line was insane and it looked like it would be another hour at bare minimum until our set of numbers was reached. Poor Ty was falling asleep standing up, so we left without getting our books. I promised to come back the next day, but on our way home, driving through the quiet dark night with two sleepy, sleepy boys in the car, I passed an open Walmart, with a few cars in the parking lot, and thought, “hmm…” So we bought our books, yes, multiple copies, at Walmart. I stayed up all night reading and passed my copy over to R in the morning, gritting my teeth not to tell him how very unhappy it was going to make him. I knew that Hedwig’s death was going to break his heart.

And then Star Wars… I probably wouldn’t have thought of this except for the Dumbo memories, but Revenge of the Sith, the movie where Anakin kills the kids, came out in May 2005, and all of R’s friends seemed to be going. He was, in fact, invited to go on the release day by one of his closest friends and some others. A little pack of boys, all aged around 8, going to a PG-13 movie. I said no. Yes, I was the mean mom! He was not pleased. I promised him that we’d buy the DVD the very day it came out and he could watch it at home, and I also did my absolute best to acknowledge that I was making a choice that was making him really sad. He was honestly pretty great about it — at 8, he was a very rational small person. No temper tantrums, no whining, not even a lot of sulking, although he was definitely sad. I think maybe I gave him some other treat? I don’t remember the details. But the day the DVD was released, we went to the store and got it immediately, and he watched it in the tiny living room of our little duplex on Seabright while I worked on my computer in the bedroom. He kept bopping in and out of the bedroom to tell me what was happening, and eventually he came and flopped down on the bed next to me with a sigh. I asked him if he was okay, and he said, so simply, “You were right. I don’t like this movie.” I was so grateful to him for saying that. It’s hard to be the mean mom. Really hard.

Anyway, lots of memories. Bittersweet, of course, but bittersweet still has sweetness to it. And it’s lovely to have a Christmas tree. I put it on a timer, so that the lights would go on and off automatically, but this morning when I got up, it was still dark outside, so I turned the lights on by hand, and maybe we’ll just leave it on all the time. Light in darkness, that’s the meaning of the season to me.

And meanwhile, Miss Sunshine is informing me that it would be SOOOO nice to be outside. She loves this weather. She has a yogurt face right now, because I let her lick out the yogurt container after my breakfast, and it’s cute as can be. Not that she isn’t always cute as can be, but the yogurt gives her a special touch of cuteness.

Sophie with yogurt on her face

The white lines closest to her eye is really leftover yogurt. I’ll wash it off for her eventually!

 

 

Magical adventures

Later today I will have a high-tech laser shot into my mouth to vaporize decaying & infected tissue, followed up by an injection of my own blood, pre-spun in some kind of centrifuge or something, to stimulate the growth of new tissue with some healthy bacteria. I’m torn between finding this really cool and really gross. Really gross, mostly. But also kind of cool?

Sometime next year I will have a far more complicated and probably unpleasant (also expensive) procedure done to restore gum tissue by moving healthy gum tissue from the roof of my mouth to the front of my mouth. It’s going to include two weeks of recovery wearing a plastic mouthguard to protect the wound. I’m decidedly unenthused, made even more so because that problem has been caused because the tooth in question is misaligned with the others and gets over-brushed because of it. I really have to wonder whether if I’d never had braces, I would currently have this problem. Bah.

The infection, though, is… well, it just is. Not caused by anything I’ve done, not related to the work I had done in Costa Rica, just a body with a lousy immune system not doing a good job of fighting off a basic bacterial infection. The worst-case prognosis was terrible, of course — the infection is in my dental implants and it’s really not great to have an infection in your face eating away at your bones — but hopefully this expensive laser is going to fix everything up and I will start to feel better more or less immediately. I’m extremely anxious about the whole thing, but I also absolutely have my eye on the prize — no more weird face pain, no more worrying about what’s happening inside my head. Well… I suppose I’ll be worrying about whether it’s actually worked. But I’m going to have faith that it will.

In other more appealing news, I told my housemate yesterday that a golf cart turns every outing into a magical adventure. Thanks to my wonderfully generous parents taking advantage of a sad opportunity for me (short version: their really nice neighbor passed away and his kids were selling his golf cart for a great price), I now own a lovely golf cart that I can ride into downtown Sanford and around my neighborhood.

Apart from the sheer fun factor, here’s a great golf cart discovery I made: when you are riding on a golf cart with a really cute border collie style dog by your side, every single person you pass smiles at you. About 50% of them wave, too, especially the little kids. I’ve driven it down the farmer’s market a couple times, to the park once, and to visit Christina and Greg a couple times. On Saturday, I had dinner with Christina and Greg and had it out after dark for the first time — I knew the headlights worked, but it also has two lines of sparkly bright blue lights that made it feel very Christmassy. Magical, in fact.

I just skimmed through my photos from the past six weeks of silence, looking for one to include, and I’m amazed at how much I did that I haven’t written about. I felt like I wasn’t writing because I was processing election grief and dealing with infected dental implants and working on other things, but along the way, I went to the Magic Kingdom with Jamie for one last visit to Tom Sawyer Island (it’s disappearing forever next year, turning into Villains Land or something like that, which does seem like such a metaphor for the move from Disney as the celebration of childhood to the celebration of greed); Epcot to the Food & Wine Festival with Christina and Greg; and the Cirque du Canines at the Ritz Theater, a dog show with dogs doing clever tricks, with Christina. Also all the usual stuff, of course, farmer’s market and thrift stores with my friend Joyce and hanging out at Celery City.

my new (to me) golf cart

My magical adventure mobile. I’m hoping to give her a paint job soon. Bright yellow with flower decals, maybe? But first I’m going to remove the golf club rack and get her a back seat, so other people can come along for the ride.

Poor Sophie has her paw on my leg and is attempting mind control, and I’m going to succumb, because she’s not wrong: we should be walking right now. It’s another beautiful day in which I will probably choose to spend more time outside with her than I do sitting at my computer. I keep telling myself that I should bring my computer outside with me and work there, but mostly I’ve been sitting in the backyard and reading escapist fiction obsessively while she watches the squirrels. Really, I have so much to be thankful for, including high-tech lasers.

Happy Thanksgiving!

A teeny-tiny bit of self pity

Nothing is better, when you are feeling just a teeny-tiny bit sorry for yourself, than remembering that you have mint chocolate chip ice cream bars in your freezer, and they’re still frozen, because you have electricity, too. What a delightful life.

My moment of self-pity really did have to be teeny-tiny, as well, because it was caused by a single solitary fire ant bite. Just one. Yay! (I mean I’d rather have zero, as anyone would, but one is so much better than any other possible number.)

Fire ants, for those who are unfamiliar, are pretty much the only creature in creation that I am willing to wreak immediate, ravaging, torturous death upon at first sight. Most critters I try to discourage first, starting with the things that make life unpleasant for them: strong pine scents, cinnamon, that kind of thing. Fire ants, though, just need to die. Immediately.

And, of course, that’s how they feel about us. Once one fire ant has decided that you are worthy of being bitten (admittedly, probably because you stepped on their nest or something) all the rest rush to attack, too. So yeah, I’m lucky, because one bite is nothing except some momentary unpleasantness. Followed, in my case, by a hot shower and a mint chocolate chip ice cream bar, both of which make me feel so very fortunate.

I think said fire ant managed to get me in the backyard. I haven’t seen any mounds back there, but I was with Sophie, admiring our fence (lack thereof.)

broken fenceApril’s tree fall took it out, but Milton honestly just demolished it. And unfortunately for me and Sophie, replacing it is going to take a while. On the other hand, fortunately for me and Sophie, temporary fencing is surprisingly cheap. I have no idea whether that stuff will really work, but I ordered 50 ft worth from Amazon this morning, to be delivered tomorrow, so we’ll see. The “fence” that’s been in place for the past five months was really just a couple tarps, strung up on broken boards, and Sophie was willing to accept it as a fence after being given a sharp, “NO!” the first few times she went through it, so I hope she’ll accept this stuff as a fence, too. It won’t be the most aesthetically pleasing fence ever created, but if we can still play ball, we’ll be happy.

In other news, we got our power back late Saturday afternoon, our Internet back about an hour ago, so more yay! I don’t know how long the giant piles of debris will be in everyone’s front yards, but I think (or rather my landlord thinks) that the city will be sending trucks out to collect it all eventually.

giant pile of debrisOur pile is probably the biggest on our street, but nowhere close to the biggest in the neighborhood.

In other news… nope, I got nothing. In my hurricane prep stage, I did most of the right things: I bought water, I charged my devices, I parked my car carefully, I stocked up on canned goods. However, I did not download all my work in progress from the cloud. It didn’t even cross my mind. On Thursday when I opened up the app I’ve been using on my still fully-charged computer, I had to blink at the blank screen for a couple seconds before I realized that of course all my notes were gone. Or not gone, just not actually on my computer. It’s amazing what we start taking for granted. I would not have done that in my van life days.

But today’s goal, such as it is, is to open up my various files and figure out where I was. I need to pick one of my many works-in-progess and start writing. I suppose the hurricane time could have been focused, distraction-free time, but it really didn’t work that way. This week will be more productive. And it will include ice cream. How satisfying. 🙂

Milton Update

Still no power, and no sign that we will be getting power anytime soon. Want to know how I know?

tree on wiresDoes that look like a picture you saw before, earlier in the year, when a tree nearly landed on top of me and took out our electric wires? It’s not. It is the same tree. And the same electric wires. But it’s the post-Milton other tree branch, taking out those electric wires for the second time this year.

I suppose the good news is that it’s unlikely to ever happen again, given that there’s not a lot left of the tree.

On the other hand, there are more trees back there, including this fascinating example:

uprooted tree next to living treeI’m honestly just mystified by this. Where did the skinny tree on the left come from? How did it wind up nonchalantly leaning against the bigger tree? I guess it’s a branch that came down? Well, that broke off, I guess, since you can’t exactly say it fell down. (Yet! It’s obviously gonna fall someday.) But it is not at all clear to me where it broke off from. The tree farther to the right, not shown in this picture, is the obvious suspect. It’s the tree in the top image, and yeah, it lost its branch but that branch took out the fence and the electric wires, and there weren’t two branches. Plus it just doesn’t look like a branch from that tree. So weird!

But as you can see, it was a pretty solid storm, even here, and yeah, we’ve got no power, no internet, and no timetable for getting either of them back. No one from the power company has even wandered by to look at those wires. Alas!

Fortunately, Christina does have power and internet, so I am currently hanging out at her house, charging my devices and appreciating the quiet of a neighborhood that does not have a generator running at every other house. The noise of the generators is ferocious — I do not understand how people stand it. I hate it and they’re not even in my driveway.

Other things I hate today: poor Sophie has had a seriously upset stomach. Purging from both ends. I have no idea why, and fortunately she still seems lively enough (no hiding underneath things) but I’m not willing to let her off-leash by the fallen electric wires so it has meant a lot of walking. And also the normal anxiety of whether or not I should be taking her to a vet, except, you know, power outages, hurricane recovery, etc. I think she’s okay, because she’s certainly acting okay, but I wish we weren’t hitting a weekend.

Enough whining from me? Yep, because overall, we’re fine, all is well, the storm is over and in the grand scheme of things, I feel pretty fortunate that electricity is not a life-and-death issue for me.

And that said, the weirdest part of yesterday (Thursday, the day of/after the storm) was living in an information vacuum. No power, no internet, and the cell towers were so overloaded that it was mostly impossible to get a website to load. Even sending messages was slow and images wouldn’t go through at all. It was so strange to just be unable to check the news. I don’t consider myself tied to my cell phone, but I kept trying, over and over again, even when it was clearly pointless. Information addiction is a thing, I guess.

 

 

Awaiting Milton

Waiting for a hurricane is always some mix of stress and tedium.

Waiting for a Category 5 hurricane ups the stress, doesn’t change the tedium.

After a really nice weekend with the BBE, highlights of which included my favorite patio in downtown Sanford; a morning of flea market shopping, and an excellent movie (The Wild Robot), Monday was less fun. Which is a little unfair to my Monday — we actually had a nice, albeit rainy, walk in the morning, and a good lunch at a Mexican restaurant over in Mount Dora — but it was a day spent feeling like the clock was ticking.

Tick, tick, tick, do ALL the things.

Really, there’s not a tremendous amount to do. We tied down the furniture on my parents porch; I dropped the BBE off at the airport; I filled my gas tank; I plugged in everything that needs to be charged, including my battery pack for jumpstarting my car; I moved my own porch chairs and outdoor carpets into a shed in the backyard, and then… Jamie made coffee.

Like, a lot of coffee.

water bottles filled with coffee

Water bottles filled with coffee. Because disasters are made worse by caffeine withdrawal headaches.

Because I don’t honestly expect that the storm itself is going to damage us much. It’ll hit the coast sometime tomorrow, and that’s going to be super ugly, no doubt about it. This isn’t going to be one of those storms where afterward it feels like the news media was just having a slow news day. But those folks are going to get the brunt of it. This far inland, we’re currently expecting 44-55 MPH winds, with gusts up to 70 MPH. That’s about 100 MPH less than they’re expecting at the coast.

That said, we will lose power. And maybe we’ll lose power for a long time. I’m going to be surprised if it’s more than a week, but I’m not going to be surprised at all if it’s 3-5 days. I don’t have a grill here, or even my camp stove — I lost both of them in the move — so that means no cooking, not even boiling water. I’d already bought a couple cases of water, so I think we’ll be okay on drinking water, but I do not want to spend the next five days with a caffeine withdrawal headache. So yeah, hurricane prep = making a big stockpile of frozen coffee, so that we’ve got a week’s worth just in case.

Today’s plan: to cook all, or most of, the food in the freezer. I’ve got a pork tenderloin, two packages of chicken thighs, and a package of ground turkey. For me, that’s way more than a week’s worth of meat, but I’m figuring I’ll cook it all while I can, then stick it back in the freezer so it lasts as long as possible.

I might also make one last run to a store for, of all things, a notebook and maybe a couple pens. I’m not going to be able to recharge my computer until we have power back, so I won’t be able to work, but it might be nice to be able to write even without power. I anticipate being very bored this upcoming weekend. And I currently do not own ANYTHING on which I could write. No stash of scrap paper, no typing paper, no old half-used paper journals, no nothing. Literally, no paper. If I decided I wanted to write, I’d be absolutely out of luck, which is a really weird realization. So I might try to solve that problem before it becomes a problem, although I expect all stores are going to be unpleasantly crowded with people panic buying, so maybe not, too.

And then we wait. I fully expect that we’ll have no internet for a while after tomorrow, but I’m going to try to show some restraint today and not doom-scroll all day long, even though the temptation is very much there. Mostly because I wasn’t doom-scrolling over the weekend, too busy having fun, and while I wasn’t looking Milton went from “just another storm” to “OMFG, maybe it’s time to run.” (More for the people on the coast than for me, though.) Still, that’s really an unpleasant thing to have happen while you’re not looking, IMO.

Deciding what choices to make is probably the worst part of preparing for a disaster. Do I need to fill the spare gas can? Do I have enough canned food? Are candles really necessary in a world with cell phones, flashlights, and USB lights? Is a weather radio useful or just a leftover from the 20th century? But I was talking to a friend on my morning Sophie walk and she has family on the coast. They’re not evacuating, they think they’ll be fine. Maybe they will be. I am very, very, very glad, however, that my decisions are not at all about “Will I survive?” and mostly about “How bored am I going to be?” with a tiny dash of “How uncomfortable am I going to be?”

I’m hoping the answer to both questions is “not very,” but I’ll let you know next week. Meanwhile, if you’re the kind of person who says prayers, add some prayers for Florida to your list. Meteorologists sometimes seem overly pessimistic, but even if their worst-case scenarios don’t happen, Milton looks fierce.

But for now, I wait.

Time traveling

Yesterday I went to Animal Kingdom with Christina and Greg and we had a perfect Disney day.

Elements of Disney perfection:

First, the weather has to be mostly nice, as in not sweltering, not chilly, not stormy. Yesterday was hot enough that I could get soaked on Kali River Rapids (and I did!) and still be perfectly comfortable wandering around the park in my soaked clothing, but it wasn’t so hot that there was ever a moment when I thought, “ugh, this is miserable.”

Second, the crowds have to be reasonable, and the lines, ditto. Yesterday was more than reasonable. We paid extra for the Lightning Lane pass for the Avatar ride, where you’re flying on a dragon over the Pandora landscape, but when we arrived we were about ten minutes too early for our time window. Meanwhile the stand-by line was only 30 minutes long, so we joined that line and wound up riding the Avatar ride — in Christina’s opinion, the best ride in all the theme parks — twice! (For context, back in 2018, when I took Rory and his girlfriend to Animal Kingdom, the line for Avatar was never less than 3 hours long and we didn’t get to go on it at all.) Yesterday, the line for the Safari ride was about twenty minutes, and the Everest roller coaster and Kali River Rapids were both close to walk-ons, ie you never really stop moving in the line. Not only was none of the lines long enough to get tedious, none of them even lasted long enough to start playing games.

Third, it helps a lot to be on the same wavelength as the people you’re with. Christina, Greg and I were like a well-oiled Disney machine, with exactly the same ideas about what we wanted to do and the appropriate order in which to do those things. We went Avatar, Avatar, Safari ride, snack (Dole whip ice cream for me), Everest, Kali River Rapids, ordered lunch, the Asia walk through exhibit with plenty of time in the aviary (the best part, IMO), a little souvenir shopping, picked up & ate lunch, then home. We were at the park from 9-2, approximately, which is about the perfect length of time in my opinion. Long enough to make it feel worthwhile, not long enough to feel exhausting.

Bonus points if the food is good, triple bonus points if the food is not just good, but excellent. My dole whip was delicious, but my lunch was amazing. We ate at the Satu’li Canteen quick service restaurant, aka the Disney version of fast food. I had a chimichurri beef and wood-grilled chicken rice bowl, with crunchy vegetable slaw, (the gluten-free version, of course) which was delicious, although helped a lot by the hot sauce Christina carries around with her, but for dessert I had this:

chocolate mousse dessertIt’s chocolate mousse with raspberry on a tiny flourless chocolate cake and it was incredibly good. 10/10. Maybe 11/10. So good that the restaurant is my new favorite restaurant at Disney. Counter service! It cost $6.29! (Which I think is a really weird price, tbh, but I also think is an incredibly good price for a dessert that pretty and that tasty.)

More bonus points at Animal Kingdom, in particular, if you get to see some cool things. I posted a video of the baby elephant to Instagram so you can see it from the sidebar, but the lions, the anteater, the komodo dragon, and the birds in the aviary were also fun.

two birds

These two were hanging out right next to one another, belying the old “birds of a feather” cliche.

komodo dragon

The Komodo dragon was, in fact, sticking his tongue out. It flicked it in and out just like snakes do.

sleeping lion

The lion looked impressively comfortable on his rocky bed.

I worried, a little, before we went, whether Animal Kingdom was a park that held too much nostalgia for me. Last year, when I went to the Magic Kingdom, I wrote about how it was hard because of the time I’d spent there with Rory when he was little. Nostalgia isn’t grief, of course. It’s possible to remember the pleasant past without getting stuck in the pain of the present. But it can definitely trigger the pain. And Animal Kingdom is much more nostalgic than Magic Kingdom for me because Rory was so fascinated by animals, and once it opened, it quickly became our favorite park. Six-year-old Rory would have adored the Avatar ride. And I couldn’t pause by the anteater and the Komodo dragon without thinking about how thrilled he would have been to have such a great view of them. The anteater, especially.

But that was six-year-old Rory. And six-year-old Rory was already long gone when 25-year-old Rory decided to throw me away. Remembering that helped. And then I had a fun time remembering all the Rorys over the years. Two-year-old Rory was fantastic: solemn, earnest, curious, determined, with the absolute best laugh. Three-year-old Rory was a challenge. I read a lot of parenting books that year, as determination turned into obstinacy. Still a delight, but I had to learn a lot — and change a fair amount, too — to stop the endless power struggles.

Four and five year old Rory, I saw far too little of, IMO. During those years, I was working full-time, taking him down to Santa Cruz on weekends for visitation with his dad. Ugh. I remember the first week of kindergarten, when his teacher sent him home with homework. Worksheets. I looked at them and wanted to cry. Instead, I brought them back into school and told her, “No, we will not be doing these.” And then I mapped our schedule out for her: I got him to pre-care at the school by 7:45 so I could get to work by 9, I left work promptly at 5 — always! — so I could pick him up by 6, we made it home at 6:25, he watched Zoboomafoo for half an hour while I got dinner ready, we finished dinner at 7:15 or so, we did bedtime routine and bath and maybe played a little if there was time, and then I read him stories until he fell asleep. And then on weekends, I took him to his dad. The window in which we could do worksheets was so small, and was inevitably going to steal from the time in which we could actually enjoy our life. No. I was not going to do them, I was not going to make him do them. Fortunately, his teacher sympathized.

Ah, but six-year-old Rory! When he was six, we moved to Santa Cruz. I was still working full-time but remotely, commuting back up to Berkeley one or two days a week at most. He started first grade at the local public school and lasted approximately 8 days. Then I pulled him out. I wonder if I’ve ever written about that before? Talk about an agonizing decision. Talk about a decision that no one in my life remotely agreed with! It was insane. And those were some really hard years, to be honest, as I juggled home-schooling with a full-time job.

I remember them as full of sunshine, though. We had so much fun, we did projects and had adventures and read books and played & played, as I redefined “play” as education for the homeschool program. (It was educational, really!) And yeah, I was chronically exhausted, and always stressed, but he got to keep his sense of curiosity and wonder and… well, peacefulness. After two years, I did manage to get him into the alternative school, which was a much better fit for him.

And then, well… it’s pointless to look back over the years to try to see where they went bad. But it wasn’t awful yesterday to remember delightful two-year-old Rory and charming six-year-old Rory and highly entertaining twelve-year-old Rory and sixteen-year-old Rory who could make me laugh so hard I cried. I’m glad that boy existed in my life, I’m glad we had so many chances to admire the anteaters and the otters at Animal Kingdom. I hope someday he gets to go on the Avatar ride and appreciates it, if not the way he would have as a six-year-old, at least with an awareness of who that six-year-old was.

I did a deep dive into my archives this morning, though, looking for mentions of specific years, specific events, and stumbled upon this: “I’ve had enough practice with grief by now to know that the only way out is through. You don’t get to make the feelings go away by avoiding them. They only go away when you’re finished with them.” My own words from years ago, and what I’ve realized now is that you’re never actually finished. Never. But in the same way that nostalgia is bittersweet, you can miss someone deeply and intensely, and still have an absolutely perfect Disney day.

Staying happy despite spider webs

I woke up this morning in such a good mood. Cheerful, optimistic, ready to take charge of my day. Doing some stretching before I even got out of bed, grateful for the coziness of my space, charmed by my delightful dog. Just your basic happy morning mood.

In the spirit of my choosing happiness program, I knew that a few factors were influencing me.

  1. I initially woke up at 5, decided it was too early, and successfully went back to sleep until just after 7. Two extra hours of sleep is a full extra sleep cycle — time enough to have some good REM sleep and maybe even some deep sleep — and that’s enough to make anyone feel good.
  2. The weather has cooled down enough that I’m back on my Big Bowl of Possibilities breakfast meal plan (aka lots of sautéed vegetables), plus still sticking to my Salads+ summer menu, so the past few days have been rich with nutrition. Yesterday also included both chicken and hard-boiled eggs, so a lot of protein, too. I’ve also added sardines to my diet for the sake of the B12, which is an essential ingredient in the production of serotonin and dopamine, therefore a “feel-good” nutrient. (And one that many gluten-free eaters don’t get enough of.) The feel-good neurotransmitters are built with feel-good nutrients, and I’ve had plenty lately. It’s not surprising that I feel good.
  3. Anticipation… I have so many nice things that I’m looking forward to right now. I’ve got the usual things going on, of course — writing time with friends, the farmer’s market on the weekend, hanging out on the patio of Celery City, spending time outside with Sophie in beautiful places. But my Disney pass is expiring in November and I’m not going to renew it (at least not right away), so I’m also planning a final set of theme park binging: Animal Kingdom next week, the Epcot Food & Wine Festival at the end of the month, maybe a solo short Magic Kingdom trip in between to say good-bye to Tom Sawyer’s Island. And the BBE is visiting next week, so I’m looking forward to that, too. I have found surprisingly little research-backed evidence for my deep belief that anticipation is a key ingredient in happiness, but my belief hasn’t wavered: expecting good things to happen and looking forward to them is part of being happy for me.

So in my happy mood, I get up, get dressed, and take Sophie for a walk. We are only a few houses down the street when Toby, the Australian Shepherd who lives on the corner, comes running out to greet us. I drop Sophie’s leash so she can play with Toby, which she happily does. Toby’s mom, Hannah, is putting her little one in the car, and calling Toby, who is not supposed to leave his yard, but Toby is ignoring her. So I walk over to Hannah’s car, Toby following me, and chat with Hannah.

Sophie pauses for a pee.

Alas, Sophie’s leash is not being held in my hand, as it should be, safely off the ground. Sophie’s leash is underneath her, and yes, she pees on it. Copiously. Ugh!

But it’s probably fine, right? It’s gonna be damp in the middle, but it’s not like I run the leash through my hands as we walk. As long as the loop on the end, where I hold it, is dry, what difference does it make?

The loop on the end is not dry. I am immediately faced with a dilemma. Do we go home so I can wash my hands right away and get one of Sophie’s other leashes? But Sophie is eager to go for her walk and I don’t want to get sidetracked and miss out on our early morning sunshine and cool temps, so I decide I will just finish the walk. Carefully. Not touching anything with my dog-pee hands.

We continue walking, around the corner, and down the sidewalk and between two trees and right into an enormous spider web. And I have the exact reaction that one would expect of a person who’s just walked into an ENORMOUS spider web — frantically wiping it off my hair and my face and my shirt and my arms, and OMG, yuck, yuck, and more YUCK.

I am simultaneously wiping off spider web and wiping on dog pee.

I am revolted and as I do my “get off me, get off me!” spider-web removal dance, I think, “This is not the day I was intending to have.”

Except… it still is. Sophie and I finished our walk. She got to say hi to Jack, a little gray terrier, while I chatted with his person, Armand. I got to say hi to Debbie, who didn’t have her dachshund, Ariel, with her today. We both got to say hi to Lisa and Lotara, a pittie mix puppy. We enjoyed the sunshine and the movement and the sense of freedom, and while I was quite aware that I could smell the dog pee on my skin, I also knew that I could get home and have an immediate shower with clean, hot running water in a bathroom with no bugs. (Campground bathrooms always have bugs, it’s just a fact of life in campgrounds.)

This past week, I went to the beach with Christina and a friend of hers, and somewhere along the way we got to talking about luck. I said that I didn’t really believe in luck, and I don’t, in the context of what we were talking about then. That conversation was about choices with bad outcomes. Yeah, that happens. A choice that seems okay can turn out to be really, really wrong. If I had chosen to go home and wash my hands and get a different leash, I might have missed that spider web entirely. Some other unlucky person might have walked through it before I made it back there. But if that had happened, we would have missed greeting all those people and dogs, too, and feeling like part of a community is one of the best happiness boosters there is. Maybe not quite as good as the WIN (Walk-In-Nature), but the WIN plus the community? A++. I mean I guess I could have had all the community and the WIN without the dog pee and the spider web, but I don’t feel unlucky. If anything, that spider web made me more aware of how much I am grateful for all the goodness in my life right now.

a seagull with attitude

Other quick things I want to remember from the past, ouch, three weeks without blogging:

Live music, The Ordinary Boys, at a local bar on a Sunday afternoon, so much fun. In a really weird coincidence, while I was listening to the music and watching people dance, I was thinking about what it would take to make a dance floor feel like a safe space for me and whether it was even possible. At the end of that exact song, the lead singer took a minute to say that one of the things the band stood for was creating a safe space for everyone to have fun, no matter what you wore, your skin color, who you were going home with, their music was for everyone, and he loved that their audiences understood that, too. Such an odd coincidence! The dance floor was still too crowded for me, but maybe someday soon, I’ll dance. Maybe.

The Ordinary Boys drum set

The All-The-Birthdays dinner at Space220. I think I’ll remember the circumstances, the magical “luck” of getting a perfect reservation at a restaurant fully booked for months in advance, but I’ll probably forget the food. It was fun, though. drinks at Space220

An overnight dog-sitting for Riker. He and Sophie are so adorable together. So much chewing on one another’s faces! This photo, where they are curled up together, (the brown is Riker) was taken a split second before Sophie tried chewing on his ear. You can see why she couldn’t resist.

two dogs, curled up together

Going to the Fall Into Fantasy Book Fair from Spellbound Books, held at Tuffy’s, and running into two women from the Spellbound Writer’s Group. I really need to start promoting my writing more seriously again, because I should have had a table at the fair, not just been a guest, but I loved casually running into people I knew. And really, there are so many indie writers here.

And speaking of writing — I have notes, dictated while walking, that need to get transcribed today, plus some breakfast to eat, plus a Japanese lesson or three to do, and somehow my quick blog post, just to write about spider webs and dog pee, has taken me far more time than I intended. Time to get the rest of the day moving!

Magical thinking

I read a book about the laws of magical thinking recently (The 7 Laws of Magical Thinking: How Irrational Beliefs Keep Us Happy, Healthy, and Sane) and I obviously didn’t read it carefully enough, because I don’t know which of the laws is the one that applies when you think that the turn of the calendar from one month to the next is magically going to change the weather. It’s September, which means the air is getting brisk at night and the leaves are falling from the trees, right?

Not really, no. 

I am trying to get more motivated, however, despite the weather still calling out for sitting on a front porch in a rocking chair drinking mint juleps, or long slow beach days. Yesterday I was doing useful chores, including some reorganizing of towels — more useful than it sounds, I swear — and I was pleasantly reminded that we can always make new choices. Always. It’s easy to get into a routine and then have that routine turn into a rut, but all we need to do is pause, step back, take a look at that rut, and then decide whether we want to continue in it or not. Any pattern that we can recognize, we can change if we want to badly enough.

And okay, yes, this pattern was technically about not having found a place to comfortably store my towels  — my desk chair has been serving as a linen closet for the last two months — but it applies to anything that I want it to apply to. If I’m just spinning my wheels, I can choose to stop spinning & do something else. I can make new choices! Such an obvious thought, and yet also so radical, and so powerful.

Of course, I haven’t actually managed to make those new choices yet — with the exception of taking over a shelf in the bathroom for my towels — but at least I’m reminded that they’re mine to make if I want to.

Unrelated, I fell in love with an author this week and I’ve been gobbling down her books like potato chips. Trying to do some of my own work and my own writing between books, but reaching for my phone (and its Kindle app) in every spare minute. My Japanese lessons have been getting short shrift and my meals have been mostly bagged salads. Oh, well, bagged salads are pretty healthy, right?

Anyway, the author is Katherine Center. I’d read one book by her before, The Bodyguard, and I enjoyed it, but not so much that I started binging. But The Rom-Commers was on my library wait list for weeks from some recommendation I got somewhere, it finally showed up this weekend, and it just delighted me.

A quote:

Tragedy really is a given. There are endless human stories, but they all end the same way. So it can’t be where you’re going that matters. It has to be how you get there. That’s what I’ve decided. It’s all about the details you notice. And the joys you savor. And the hope you refuse to give up on. It’s all about writing the very best story of your life. Not just how you live it—but how you choose to tell it.

They’re romances and they’re definitely not plausible or realistic, but they made me want to believe in love again, which was extremely unexpected, ha. Anyway, I’m not sure which one of her books is going to be my favorite, but since I could be reading one now, instead of writing this blog post, I think I will go do that. And then maybe I’ll open up the file for the romance I was writing that I haven’t touched since sometime in 2023, and see if those characters would like their story to continue. Maybe they would!

a cat

My new friend, Mocha. Okay, friend is possibly an exaggeration. But he did hiss at me yesterday instead of running away from me, so we’re making progress. (I’m cat sitting while my neighbors are away, so I’ve been showing up twice a day. Maybe by the time they’re home, he’ll decide I’m okay, but right now, he definitely thinks I’m an invader. One who comes bearing tuna, though.)

Wherefore art thou, August?

I’m having a lot of trouble believing in today’s date. Where did August go? How did it slip away from me so quickly?

Ans: August in Florida is hot and sticky and slow and profoundly un-motivating. I haven’t even been eating my stir-fried vegetables for breakfast, because by the time Sophie and I get home from our typical morning walk, the thought of standing over a hot stove is so unappealing.

That said, August in Florida might be un-motivating, but if you give in to the lazy (as I have), it’s also languorous and lovely. Sure, I’m moving in slow motion, but I’m appreciating my slow movement.

A few photos, attached to a few memories:

Sophie, front paws crossed

Sophie, saying, “Why try to write when we could be playing in the backyard instead?” I love the crossed paws, something about them makes me melt immediately.

Sophie and Riker

Riker was away for most of the month, so first playdate on his return included some face licking. And a lot of running.

Sunrise on the Riverwalk

Birds overhead at sunrise on the Sanford Riverwalk. 

a marina with sailboats

I love the sailboats at the marina. They feel like adventures-in-waiting.

a beach umbrella

A great beach day. The water was bathtub warm, but the waves were strong. I didn’t worry about sharks for more than a minute or two, because it just felt so good to be immersed in water.

Plenty of other pleasant things have happened this month. Lunch with family, ice cream with my friend J, some fun thrifting, and so much time spent in the backyard with Sophie. Lots of reading, lots of organizing of notes on happiness, lots of peaceful quiet time. Lots of sudden rain showers that make for cozy afternoons snuggling with my girl. Not much in the way of writing, but word-by-word, it happens.

One random other summer note that I’ve been wanting to write about for days: the cicadas are insanely loud. So loud sometimes that I’ve had to go inside because it’s like sitting in a giant static noise generator. So loud they’ve set off my noise safety alert on my phone. Not consistently! And I don’t understand why they’re crazy loud in the middle of the day some days and not other days. The reason I haven’t written about them is that I don’t have anything more to say about them than that, but I want to remember them — they have been the sound of this summer of 2024, and as it draws to a close (where did it go?!?), I want to remember that it was a good summer, despite — well, and maybe even because of — and the humidity and the heat and the bugs.

Got time to talk?

Last night, I woke up around four or so, needing to use the bathroom, and when I came back to my room, I had a text message from my brother, saying, “Got time to talk?”

Okay, it was 4AM, so yeah, I had time to talk. But could I? Did I want to? Really, I wanted to go back to sleep, but the Best Brother Ever wouldn’t text me in the middle of the night asking to talk unless it was important.

But if I called him, I’d have to talk in complete whispers or else I’d wake Jamie up. Our rooms are adjacent and it’s really easy to overhear conversations between them: I can basically ask him a question in a normal speaking tone and he’ll answer (during the daytime, obviously.)

Still, important, right? So I could go outside to talk to the BBE. But yesterday the side edges of Hurricane Debby were just skimming Sanford, so it had been rainy all day long. Also, of course, it would be completely dark and there’s no way Miss Sunshine would let me go outside without her. At nighttime, though, I put her on her leash, mostly to avoid wildlife interactions that might make both of us sad (aka skunks, rabid raccoons, coyotes). So I’d be juggling my phone, Sophie on her leash, in the rain and the dark… ugh, it sounded so unappealing.

And his message wasn’t, “Call me, please, it’s urgent,” so was it really so important that he would want me to be standing in the rain and dark to call?

But then it occurred to me — there’s a back room in the house that’s not currently being used. I don’t think of it as usable in the same way I think of the kitchen and living room as usable: it’s not shared space, it’s a bedroom waiting to be rented. But I could probably call from there without disturbing Jamie and obviously, I don’t think my landlord would mind if I used the spare bedroom to make a middle of the night phone call.

Perfect. Although I really would have preferred to go back to sleep, I would drag myself out of my comfortable bed and go call my brother.

And then I woke up.

The whole thing had been a dream, and I still needed to pee.

SO WEIRD! It took me a minute to convince myself that yes, I had just dreamed the bathroom visit, the text message, and the entire problem-solving thought process, but in fact, I had. I don’t know that I’ve ever had a dream that felt more realistic, and that had less of an aura of unreality about it when I woke up. I was literally dreaming that I was in bed, thinking. It felt like I’d slipped between multiverse worlds or something, that maybe in some parallel reality, the BBE actually had texted me to ask if I had time to talk.

I was honestly really tempted to call him. Or at least text him. But I didn’t, because it was 4:30 in the morning and I didn’t think he’d really want to talk to me right then either.

Instead, I went back to sleep and when I woke up, Sophie and I went for a beautiful walk down on the riverwalk. Some photographic proof:

a limpkin (a kind of bird)

I thought this bird looked so much like the night heron I posted last week that I was excited to discover that we had night herons here, too. But the Apple photos info says that it’s a limpkin. That is a word that you will have to fight with auto-correct to type. I type limpkin, auto-correct says pumpkin. Over and over again. Yeah, right, auto-correct, that bird sure looks like a pumpkin to me.

On the other hand, in an extremely cool piece of trivia, the limpkin call was used as the sound of the griffin in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and that is a fact I would never have learned if it had been a night heron. (Speaking of auto-correct, it also wants to say “heroin” every time I type “heron” and… what? I really think I’m a person more likely to write about herons, or even heroines, rather than heroin, but apparently I’m unusual enough in that for auto-correct’s default to be the hardcore drugs. Strange!)

Moving on, the construction project across the street is — oh, wait, have I mentioned that? If not, short version, they’ve taken the lovely green space and are turning it into a retention pond, which is exactly the kind of tragedy that turns people into NIMBYs. I understand the reasoning and approve in principle of proactively planning for more intense storms and potential flooding, but in practice… much sadness.

And more sadness because of the NOISE. Beep, beep, beep… please stop backing up your trucks. Just… stop. Don’t back up anymore! Go forward instead! Turn in circles!!

I strongly suspect that it’s only going to get worse, but I’m also mystified by the hours that they work. They show up, they do something, and then they disappear for two weeks. I’m not complaining, because I do think that I’m going to yearn for those disappearances long before they’re done ripping up the space and the surrounding roads, but I feel like it would be much easier to cope if I knew when they planned to work and could plan my own life accordingly. So far my coping strategy is loud music, which is good and bad, I guess, depending on the music. Not all music motivates me to work harder, but that’s what I need to find.

Speaking of which, I should get back to it. I’m jumping around all over the place in my course creation/book creation, with lots of processing of notes right now. I’ve got so much information, but it’s a struggle to keep from sounding like a term paper. I am entertaining myself with mixed metaphors, though.

In my latest section, I was writing about thinking of nutrition as basically a recipe for your body. If you want to bake chocolate chip cookies, you really can’t skip the chocolate chips. You’re not going to get chocolate chip cookies if you do. If you want to create a happy brain, you can’t skip the omega-3s and the olive oil: they are literally the ingredients that provide your brain with the building blocks to create neural connections and grow your hippocampus. No nutrients -> no connections -> shrinking hippocampus -> depression and dementia. If you want to be happy, you have to give your brain the ingredients it needs to thrive.

Here’s another one: iron is an ingredient for creating hemoglobin and hemoglobin carries oxygen throughout your bloodstream. Low iron = lower oxygen distribution = lower energy. You’ll never want to run around and have fun if your iron is low, because your body will be conserving its resources, and your conscious mind telling you to go out and get some exercise can’t win against a cautious body knowing that it doesn’t have the resources to do so.

Like I said, term paper. And probably a scientist would say that I’m oversimplifying. But simplifying to make information easier to digest and remember is where I’m at right now. (Oh, and my mixed metaphors are — is this ingredients, and a cooking metaphor? Or foundation plus building blocks, a construction metaphor? Or fuel and energy, an engine metaphor? Or maybe just all of the above, in their own places and times.)

But now I really am getting back to it!