Category Archives: Writing

80% done

02 Wednesday May 2012

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I’m at the place where I start to think that everything I’m writing is completely and utterly idiotic, the stupidest plot that anyone’s ever come up with and miserably stilted to boot. Fortunately, I’ve now written enough long stories (admittedly, most of them fanfic) that I recognize the phase. Usually I hit it at closer to 30K words and this time I’m nearer 60K, so I guess that’s a sign that I’m improving. With something, anyway. I’m trying hard to remind myself that my beta readers really liked Chapter 6 (the most recent chapter they’ve seen) so I’m doing something right even though everything I’ve written today is utter crap.

Assuming that I can keep writing through this stage — a reasonably safe assumption, I usually do — by the end of the week, Thought will be the longest story I’ve written this century. Not as long as the first version of the novel I once-upon-a-time almost finished, but pretty long. I’m not leaving myself as much time for editing, though, which ought to make me nervous — ah, except that this time I’ve got beta readers working on it now and with Ghosts I waited until I finished. All right, so I won’t get nervous about that. Yet, anyway.

Thought

22 Wednesday Feb 2012

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A Gift of Thought is going to be the weirdest book ever. I kind of love it. Even right now, when it’s in its first draft stage and scenes wander and I get repetitive, it’s…different. It’s not young adult, but Dillon and Rachel are sure important. It’s not really a romance. It’s only partly a thriller. I have no idea what it is, really. But it is ever so fun.

I’m biased, of course. But still, I’m loving all my characters madly and that’s really fun. And Sylvie–she just rocks. I’m so excited for her to get an HEA.

William Carlos Williams

15 Wednesday Feb 2012

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Loved this: http://tumblr.austinkleon.com/post/17609287179

In his Autobiography, William Carlos Williams recounts what led him to pursue medicine as a career:

No one was ever going to be in a position to tell me what to write, and you can say that again. No one, and I meant no one (for money) was ever (never) going to tell me how or what I was going to write. That was number one…
I wasn’t going to make any money by writing. Therefore I had to have a means to support myself…for I didn’t intend to die for art nor to be bedbug food for it…

I feel the same way about it, although I don’t aspire to write great works. But I spent my time as a freelance writer and being dependent on an audience is so much less fun than writing what you love and hoping someone else will find something in it to love as well.

Found here: http://amygarvey.tumblr.com/post/17655192147/austin-kleon-william-carlos-williams-on-the-freedom-of

Writer’s block

05 Sunday Feb 2012

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I finally realized this morning that I’m stuck at exactly the same point in Thought where I got stuck in Ghosts. Writing about a teenage ghost means that you’re writing about a dead child. There’s no way around that.

I also realized, though–and this realization is more fun–that Sylvie is an entire rebellion in one character against a stereotype of emotional empaths. She’s an empath (although I never describe it that way) but she just treats it as a sense and moves on. The whole “overwhelmed by other people’s emotions” stereotype–yeah, not so much. Because, honestly, who is overwhelmed by sight? So there’s a lot of colors in the world, it doesn’t make you curl up into a fetal ball. Same with smell, same with touch. We learn to process. We learn to filter.

Sylvie had to learn to process another sense, she did, and she’s fine. And I need to keep writing her story, despite the dead child!

Really a tweet

24 Tuesday Jan 2012

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I hate when I have that feeling of wanting to finish a book I was reading, and then realize that it’s the book that I’m writing that I want to finish reading, and I can’t finish reading it until I finish writing it.

*sigh*

I should write faster.

One Month

11 Wednesday Jan 2012

Posted by in Ghosts, Self-publishing

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Tonight’s email from OhLife reminded me that one month ago today I published A Gift of Ghosts. It surprised me. Wow, a lot has happened since then and yet it also feels as if  no time at all has passed. I guess a lot of living has happened: the Christmas Dr. Who marathon and Korean food, the solo sixteenth birthday, the trip to Boston that both lasted forever and was far too short. In book terms, though, it’s been a month.

And a good month, too. Not for writing. I’d be dismayed if I tried to figure out how few words I managed to generate, so I’m not going to try. But the book sales certainly exceeded my wildest expectations. Of course, then I started to imagine even wilder scenarios, which was fun for a few days, too. Still, even once the daydreaming stopped, I’m pleased with month one

So, onto the numbers. It’s a little confusing because of the giveaway, and because some sales were from other Amazon sites, but I think that as of the end of the day today, I have given away 2073 copies of Ghost, sold 221, and “lent” 44 through the Kindle lending library.

And right now, I have 30 reviews on Amazon. Six are from people I’ve met in RL, although that said, two of those were quite unexpected to me (and really nice). Three other people from my RL have read the book, said they loved it and that they would write reviews, but I’m not holding my breath. (Nor naming names, obviously.) It’s an interesting phenomenon, the review promise, and I’m not sure I understand it, but I’ve definitely decided that all statements about people’s prospective behavior when it comes to books should be taken with a grain of salt. And/or a mental deadline of infinity. Many of the others, understandably, are from people that I know in some context online: either fanfiction, critique circle, or the mom’s board, with one review from my WOW guild. But there are also several from people I don’t know at all, and that’s pretty darn exciting.

A little digression about reviews: the self-publishing community seems to have (IMO) a very strange attitude about reviews. To me it seems really obvious that all of the first readers of your book are going to be connected to you in some way. How else would they find the book? It’s almost impossible to stumble across a book on Amazon in amongst the millions of other books and who would ever decide to read it if there were no reviews? I truly do not understand the people who think that there’s something unethical about letting your friends and family write reviews. I basically assume–and I would expect that most other readers do likewise–that the first five reviews have to be by friends, family, or acquaintances of the author when a book is self-published. A self-published author doesn’t have the network of reviewers, the promotional budget, and the PR experience that a mainstream publishing house has. But getting friends and family to leave reviews is not planting reviews unless they haven’t read the book and are lying in their review. That’s obviously a bad idea because it’s going to mislead the reader and then you’re going to get annoyed readers writing reviews. But it’s ridiculous to not make the most of what you have available to you. Anyway, in my case, I’ve mostly asked people to mention if and how they know me, but I am definitely not going to discourage people from writing reviews.I wouldn’t write a dishonest review and I don’t assume that the people I know would either, so the more reviews the better, as far as I’m concerned. (And yes, I have basically decided that since the whole point of self-publishing is not following other people’s arbitrary rules, I don’t intend to start following the self-publishing community’s arbitrary rules, either!)

Wow, that turned into a rant. Not intentional!

I intend to use two more of my free days on Friday and Saturday of this week. I scheduled it at the beginning of the month: Friday is my first day of practicum and Saturday I’ll be hanging out with the visiting niece and nephew, possibly at Universal Studios, so I figured it’s a good time to do it, I won’t be paying any attention. I’ve already given it away to all the people I know, so I expect it’d reach a smaller number, but we’ll see, I guess.

Borrowed

29 Thursday Dec 2011

Posted by in Self-publishing, Writing

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This is sort of silly, but somehow, the borrowed numbers on Amazon are thrilling. Currently, 31 people have borrowed Ghosts. I want to rush up to all of them (except me) and shake them and say, do you realize you can only borrow ONE book a month? ONE! One book!! The people who buy it, eh, let’s be real: it’s priced at $3.50 and for most people that’s a coffee, it’s no big deal. But the borrowers have selected this book–my book!–to be their only book for the month. Okay, so yeah, it’s free, that means they’ve actually literally invested less than the people who have purchased it. But at the same time, it feels as if their investment–the ONE book! for the WHOLE month!–is actually really exciting.

But I bet there’s some macroeconomics rule that make my enthusiasm pointless.

Macroeconomics takes all the fun out of life.

Anatomy of a year (2011)

26 Monday Dec 2011

Posted by in Ghosts, Mom, Personal, Writing

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January: A scene that doesn’t fit any fanfiction story grabs me and doesn’t let go. I write down a line of dialog: “Chemists think it’s all about chemistry. Hormones and pheromones. Some peptides, a little oxytocin, and that’s the whole story. But what do they know? Really, it’s all about physics.”

Dad is diagnosed with cancer.

February: Dad has a massive heart attack, followed by quintuple bypass. Unfortunately, that means delaying the cancer treatment until he recovers. Everyone is anxious.

I write two chapters of Ghosts. I realize that books with ghosts in them are books about death. I think maybe this is not a good idea.

March: I decide to quit my job and return to school full-time.

I’m stuck on Ghosts at Chapter 4, because I realize that ghostly fifteen-year olds are really dead teenagers.

April: My birthday, and the one year anniversary of my mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis. And quite a year it’s been, I think. I thank God that year is over, the next one has to be better. (Jinx!)

I’m not writing anything.

May: I officially quit my job and make plans for August through fall, including finally doing the house repairs that have been waiting forever.

I’m writing a little, maybe finally breaking through the writer’s block, but I decide to toss two of the five chapters that are done. I’m back at Chapter 3. I post chapters to fictionpress and bookcountry.

June: Dad’s having cancer treatments in Jacksonville and Mom gets sick. He brings her home and takes her to urgent care, then heads back to Jacksonville. Tests ensue.

July: A diagnosis. Pancreatic cancer that has metastasized to the liver. 4-6 months.

I meant to start really writing as soon as my job ended in early July, and I try, but I spend a lot of time staring into space. I read the first chapter of Ghosts aloud to Mom while sitting by her bed, and decide that it’s not bad.

August: Yeah, that should have been 4-6 weeks. Mom dies August 6th.

I try to write every day. I succeed some of the time.

September: My (ex) father-in-law dies September 6th. Needless to say I’m not really working on my house repairs. Mostly I’m sleeping a lot, crying a lot, and trying to stay on top of schoolwork.

But I’m writing almost every day.

October: I’m in Seattle for Malcolm’s memorial service when I get the call I’ve dreaded for years. A beloved college friend’s cancer is back, and this time it’s terminal. They’re moving to palliative care.

I’m back to writing when I can. I write Zane’s goodbye with tears running down my face.

November: Thanksgiving would have been my mother’s 68th birthday. My sister’s best friend dies unexpectedly, massive heart attack, the day before. She was 53.

I’m trying to let the book sit before starting revisions, but the self-imposed pressure of NaNoWriMo is making me insane and tweaking Ghosts makes me feel better. I tweak. I tweak some more.

December: Revisions! I add a few scenes, make some big changes to the ending, let a few more people critique it, then self-publish.

There are many ghosts in my book. Reviews describe it as wry, fun, breezy and charming, proving…something. That escapist writing isn’t just for readers, maybe?

I said at the end of 2010 that 2011 had to be a better year. I’m scared to say that again. So my resolution for 2012 is simple: I want to be kind as often as possible. That’s it.

Raising the Bar

21 Wednesday Dec 2011

Posted by in Self-publishing, Writing

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So I set realistic goals for A Gift of Ghosts. What did I say, something like 50 sales in 6 months and 20 reviews? It was a nice realistic goal, based on realistic information, and having it made me feel very safe. This is where I am, this is where I’m going, this is where I hope to be in six months. Structure is comforting for anxious perfectionist types and goals create structure. Okay, artificial structure, but that’s not the point. If you know what you’re aiming for, you can relax while you’re getting there.

Ironically, I am better at getting lost than anyone I know. Possibly because I get lost all the time — I have no sense of direction — but also because I don’t get anxious about lost when it’s physically lost. Once, when I had my son and my nephew in the car, I was returning to my sister’s house from the grocery store and I wound up in the wrong state. It was mildly shocking to me, no big deal to my son, and extremely distressing to my nephew. I think R. said something blase, like, “She always gets lost but she always gets found again.” That’s the thing about physically lost — you always find your way home again eventually. You might wind up in Kansas along the way (road trips from Illinois to Nebraska include Kansas when I’m driving), but so what? I guess maybe when I’m physically lost I still know what the goal is: I just don’t know how to achieve it.

So back to book goals. My realistic goal has been, um, shattered, and that’s a good thing. I’m happy about it. Except when I feel really stressed out and anxious which is actually all the time for the past 48 hours. I’ve lost my structure. I don’t know what the goal is anymore. What am I hoping for? What do I want? Should I want a bestseller? I definitely never expected a bestseller — it’s a quirky little fun book, pure entertainment, and doesn’t really fit into any genre. If I’d tried to go with a mainstream publisher (I didn’t), I’m reasonably sure I would have been asked for changes and I didn’t want that. I like Ghosts just the way it is. But what should I want? Should I want 100 sales? 1000? 10,000? Should I want to break into the Kindle Top 100? What’s the bar?

No surprise, the anxiety’s killing my writing. My editing is going great — I’ve revised every chapter of A Gift of Thought (four of them) and they’re all much improved. But if I don’t write any more of it that really does no one any good.

So I’m looking at the bar and I’m thinking about why my anxiety level has skyrocketed and what it means to me, and I realize I need to lower that bar. I’m not insane — I’d love to make lots of money from my writing and be really successful, but that’s not why I started writing and that’s not why I want to continue writing. A Gift of Ghosts is out in the universe now and I need to let it go and let it find its own way and let the process work. Because I didn’t publish it to reach it a goal. I published it because I thought it was fun, and I wanted other people to have fun with me.

And that’s why I’m writing: for fun, and so that other people will have fun with me. 

And that’s the bar. Now I just need to live it.

Amazon’s Instant Gratification

17 Saturday Dec 2011

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Today is my free day on Amazon. If you’re reading this blog and you haven’t already downloaded A Gift of Ghosts from Amazon could you please go do that? Pretty please? I’ll wait right here, I promise.

Okay, so yes, it’s not quite 7 AM east coast time. And I’m not sure what time Amazon’s promotion starts, although I could probably find that out pretty quickly, but I’m going to guess that it starts at midnight Pacific time, since that’s where Amazon is located. (I’ll go check after I finish writing this just to make sure.)

I’m super anxious about today’s free day. I wish I could say that anxious wasn’t the right word; I mean I really long for the day when I am so healthy that anxiety isn’t my default switch. I believe in the possibility of that day, I really do, and it’s why I spend so much time working on mindfulness and relaxation exercises and trying to learn to live in the moment. But anxious is still the right word for today.

I love my book, I love Akira and Zane, and I want some geeky teenage girl who likes science to find Akira and decide to be a physicist. The only way that geeky girl finds it is if it sells enough that it’s visible, and so today’s free day matters. Not a lot. Not as much as a free day when there are more reviews posted. Not nearly as much as a free day next year when I have three books written and a fourth on the way (although if I don’t get back to writing every day, that goal starts to look a little ambitious).

So, I tell myself, I need to set a goal. I know that if you’re reading this and you’re not an anxious person, you think I’m crazy. I actually could tell a funny story about that, but it would be a serious digression and take a while, so I’ll save it. Suffice to say that goals and anxiety work together like bagels and cream cheese, red wine and marinara sauce, ice cream and hot fudge, and yes, I am hungry, why do you ask? Anyway, I decide to set a goal. That way, when I know that my goal has been achieved, I can relax and let go of my anxiety.

But what’s a good goal? Dean Wesley Smith said first book, first-time author, 30 sales in six months. Realistically, I always expected to do better than that. Not because I know more about the market than he does (I don’t, nowhere close) but because I was pretty sure my first 10 sales would be friends and family. I thought probably 10 sales in the first week and five reviews. I hoped for 20 sales and 10 reviews in the first month. Then they’d slow down, of course, and maybe then I should expect 5 sales a month and 2 reviews? At the end of six months, I would have sold 45 copies, and had 20 reviews. And yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable to me for six months, first book, first author. Then the second book would come out, and I’d be on my way to my long-term goal. I think I want to write more about that long-term goal, but I’ll save that for later, too.

But that goal — 45 copies in six months — doesn’t include free days. So the question is then, what to expect on a free day when no one really knows the book? I decide that 20 downloads is the reasonable goal, and 50 is the happy goal. More than 20 is the number that will make me say, okay, that was good, right choice to make a free day this early, and 50 is the goal that will make me say, yay, yay, yay, let’s dance with the dog around the living room and eat another Christmas cookie to celebrate. It’s never been about the sales, not for this book, just the readers.

Of course, I need to know how many copies I’ve already sold in order to know whether I’ve reached my goal at the end of the day. If I’ve already sold 14 (which I had), I’d need to reach 34 for the good goal, 64 for the happy goal. So I decide to look at the Report page of Kindle Direct Publishing and find out how many copies are already sold so that at the end of the day, I’ll know whether I’ve succeeded.

Yeah, can you believe it took me this many words to get to the point? Amazon has these reports. You can look at the report and find out exactly how many copies of the book have sold. There’s another report that tells you royalties, but it goes week by week and I’m not at the end of my first week until the end of today, so it’s currently useless to me. And yes, I am starting to drag this out. But I’m scared to write it.

86.

86 units sold.

It’s now 7:35 AM on my free day, and I am 22 units ahead of my goal. Should I change the goal (I will, I have to, I can’t help myself) or should I go dance around the living room and eat a Christmas cookie? (And yes, that’s going to come first!)

If you downloaded my book, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me this happy morning! If I could email you a Christmas cookie, I would. 🙂