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Wynded Words

~ Home of author Sarah Wynde

Category Archives: Personal

Dialog

25 Sunday Nov 2012

Posted by wyndes in Personal

≈ 2 Comments

Dialog avec boy.

Him to dog: All right, I’m going to unload the dishwasher and then go to bed.

(Departure from my room to kitchen.)

Me, realizing the opportunity: Yo! If you feel so inspired, set up the coffee for the morning.

Him, calling back from the kitchen: I’m really tired.

Me: Yo! Set up the coffee for the morning.

Him: Ugh.

That better mean that I have one-button coffee in the morning. Really, that’s what it ought to mean.

Today would have been my mom’s 70th birthday. A few years back, we talked about doing a cruise for her 70th birthday celebration. I was more okay than I expected to be with today being an entirely solitary day at home because honestly, she would have liked it that way. And I woke up this morning to Ghosts at #1 on the best giveaway Contemporary Fantasy list, which…well, those lists are kind of a joke. A) So what if you can give away more books than anyone else? Talk about a meaningless metric! And B) Amazon lists are fluid and flexible and really don’t reflect anything much at all. But still, it felt like a nice birthday present when it wasn’t really my birthday.

Capturing a memory

20 Tuesday Nov 2012

Posted by wyndes in Personal, Zelda

≈ 5 Comments

Tomorrow ends my two dog weekend.

The most entertaining part of the weekend has been watching the two dogs negotiate. They are so incredibly different. I call Zelda “fluffhead” sometimes and it’s because she’s a long-coated JRT, so if I don’t chop off her fur, which I routinely do, she can wind up looking quite fluffy. Gizmo deserves the name for other reasons. The difference between them is the difference between a guinea pig and…well, honestly, a human being. A small human being. A preschooler. Or maybe a toddler. The kind of human being who understands some of what you say but is often confused by your choices and motivations. Versus…a guinea pig. Poor Gizmo might, in fact, be the dumbest animal I have ever met. Cute, yes, but completely oblivious to everything.

Gizmo doesn’t jump, Zelda does. So Zelda can get places that Gizmo can’t. I give them treats. Sometime later, I discover that all the treats are buried under my pillow. I scowl at Zelda. There are enough treats to go around. There is no shortage of treats. And then I lift Gizmo onto the bed, so that he can choose from the treats. Five minutes later, I’m watching Zelda try to sneak the treat away from Giz. She doesn’t just take it, she stealths it away. She’s like the pushy salesman, who steps a little too close so that you step away and then suddenly you realize you’ve moved halfway across the room and are looking at exactly what he wants you to be looking at. Manipulative.

And my lap–oh, so funny. Zelda demands her space like a cat. She doesn’t debate the rules with Giz like a dog should. She just squeezes him out. If he’s going to be near me, she’s going to be nearer. If he’s going to be on me, she’s going to be more on me. It’s nice for me, except for the few brief moments when I’ve had two twenty-pound dogs sitting on my chest (not a lot of room for air in that scenario). Then I shove them both away and say, “You’re dogs! Cut it out!” and Giz looks at me blankly, with his trademarked “the lips move, I wonder if that means something” gaze and Zelda looks shame-faced before starting to lick my hand and snuggling closer and closer until she can get her tongue onto my face, too.

Giz doesn’t care about rides in the car. Not at all. And when you come home, he’s like, “Oh, hi. You left the room a minute ago, didn’t you? How’ve you been?” Zelda knows exactly what’s happening when we head toward the back door and does her best ears up, eyes alert, plaintive plea to come with us. When we get home, she has an extremely finely tuned sense of time. If I’ve been gone for just a few minutes, she’s hoping that I’m changing my mind and am going to bring her, but she’s not going to get too excited about the unlikely possibility. If I’ve been gone for more than twenty minutes but less than an hour or so, she’s happy to see me, with an enthusiastic hello, paws up, tail wagging. But if I’ve been gone for several hours, it’s insanity. Dashing from room to room, desperately trying to get into my arms, must, must-must-must, have a chance to lick my face and have me rub her belly. It’s that returning-vet-greeting every time I’m gone for a few hours. When I’ve been gone for days, though, totally different story. It’s “Oh, you’re back, great, I need to go to sleep. Right now. Preferably on you, but okay if not.” I come home from a trip and she crashes as if she hasn’t slept in days. I’m wondering how Giz is going to react when he sees his people tomorrow. I bet he dances.

Two dogs is more than twice as much work as one dog. Walking them is not the peaceful, meditative, story-planning walk that I’m used to but more of a tug-of-war, constant attention scenario. I know that they’re both perfectly capable of walking nicely on leash, but together, they get distracted and excited. Still I really like having them both here. At the moment, I’m sitting on the bed with a dog on my feet, another snuggled by my side. Also on the bed are multiple stuffed animals (Giz really likes to sleep with his toys around him) and three rawhide bones. It’s almost like having a toddler again in terms of distractions and toys, except a toddler that can be left home alone.

Thanksgiving dinner

16 Friday Nov 2012

Posted by wyndes in Food, Personal

≈ 4 Comments

Yes, we’re a week away from Thanksgiving. I cooked Thanksgiving dinner tonight anyway. Long story, having much to do with the fact that last year Thanksgiving fell on what would have been my mom’s 68th birthday. And my sister’s best friend died the night before. I told this story once in a setting where my point was how reality actually does have worse coincidences than fiction and it was received with awkward, frozen smiles which reminded me, oh, yes, this is truly awful, but mostly we’ve come to accept it as just, like, you know, life. (And yes, my best friend also died last year. Unrelated. It was a rough year.)

So yeah, last year’s Thanksgiving sucked. Big time. In the kind of way that leaves you shell-shocked and unwilling to celebrate the holiday forever after. Except I really like cooking Thanksgiving dinner. It’s one of my favorite holidays, because, hey, food, what’s not to love? Except last year dinner conversation consisted of things like one dinner guest talking about how grateful he was for his wonderful wife (dude? Your semi-host’s wife is DEAD and today is her BIRTHDAY, so shut up now) and another talking about how her mom cried all night long because Sharon was dead and we would never see her again, which we have to forgive because the guest in question was eight years old but wow, if you want to have an uncomfortable giving-of-thanks, just ask an eight-year-old to talk about death. That’ll do it.

And yet…I like cooking Thanksgiving dinner. So on actual Thanksgiving we will have a seafood buffet — I’m hoping for sushi, personally — but today we had the traditional foods. And yum!

Turkey, obviously. Stuffing and potatoes, c’est la vie. But our sweet potatoes were these and wow, it was so good. I could eat that celery topping all day long. And for cranberry sauce, I made two different kinds. The first was straightforward and yet yummy; a bag of cranberries, plus a cup of orange juice, plus 3/4 of a cup of sugar, plus a teaspoon or so of cinnamon, plus a handful of chopped pecans, all simmered for a while. It’s the most traditional cranberry sauce I’ve ever made (I tend to go weird on cranberry sauce) but it might have been one of the best. Then the second cranberry sauce was hardcore weird: a bag of cranberries, plus half a cup of sugar, plus a cup of cranberry grape juice, plus a tablespoon or so of sriracha sauce plus two teaspoons or so of unsweetened chocolate powder. And it was also yum, although yum with a serious kick.

We had pumpkin cheesecake (Sara Lee) for dessert, which is not typical for me — dessert is definitely the area I most tend to go crazy and creative in but my mom made excellent pumpkin pies and last year I tried and failed to make her pie and so this year…yeah. It just fell into the Do-Not-Touch category so pumpkin cheesecake seemed like a good option and, in fact, it was quite yum. Good crust and tasty filling. It’s a good thing I liked it because I’ve got half the cheesecake left.

Plus, best news, I’ve got my dad’s dog visiting for the next few days. Gizmo is some wacky mix — half Pekeginese, half poodle, I think? But soft and fluffy and just as willing to snuggle as Zelda. Rory was mopey this morning and I told him that he’d have Giz to console him for the whole weekend and he grunted and said bitterly, “No, that just means you’ll have two dogs to adore you.” Which, okay, sort of annoying when you’re trying to cheer someone up and yet, so true. I adore my dog and she fully reciprocates so for two days, I get to experience double adoration and double snuggles and double demands for attention and love and walks and food and that is all double-good by me.

Malware and motivation

08 Monday Oct 2012

Posted by wyndes in Depression, Personal, Randomness

≈ 4 Comments

My computer has become infested with malware, making the internet essentially unusable. I’ve tried a variety of things to fix it, but every time, either I get frustrated after an hour or two and decide to try again later (fast-forward another week or ten days before I’m willing to tackle it again) or I think I have it fixed only to discover a day or two later that I’m wrong, wrong, wrong. By unusable, I mean that when I’m typing, it may take seconds between letters. When I’m browsing, clicking links takes me to random sites, not related to the sites I’ve clicked on. Filling out forms is simply impossible, and I’m not willing to go to any secure site (ie banking or business related) in case a keylogger is waiting to steal my password. In other words, unusable.

I have to fix it. I know I have to fix it. I know that I’m the only person who’s going to fix it. But somehow, I’m just stuck. It’s so much easier to turn the computer off and play Sudoku on my iPad. It’s a problem at exactly the wrong level of serious annoyance but not quite completely incapacitating.

But there is hope. I’ve been following a site called Unfuck Your Habitat . . .

You know, I got exactly this far in writing this post, and then I heard the voice of Ms. UFYH in my head and it was saying, “Excuses are boring.” It was a nice voice. Friendly, maybe a little tiny bit southern, in that way that some southerners can pull off of saying something mean in such a way that it sounds gentle, even though it’s not. But firm, very firm. So away I went and now, four and half hours later, my computer is reformatted and I’m online again and my most important software (Word, so that I can keep writing) and my most important files (the Time files, of course!) are all back online.

Not only that, the two most recent boxes of stuff from my mom’s house are unpacked and somewhat put away, and the kitchen cupboards are reorganized so that some of the china can fit into the kitchen, making it far more usable than if it were stuck in a box in a closet somewhere. And the coffee plus coffee supplies are actually next to the coffee maker. If the camera battery was charged, I’d go take pictures.

I’ve needed to fix my computer since July. It’s October.

Typing at full speed. Checking my email in seconds instead of tedious minutes. Clicking on a link and having it go where I want it to go…It wasn’t 20 minutes. But I’m so, so, so glad that I finally just stopped making excuses and got it done!

Thank you, #ufyh!

Grief for the 10,000th time

27 Thursday Sep 2012

Posted by wyndes in Grief, Mom, Personal

≈ 1 Comment

I started using a site called OhLife last year. It’s sort of a diary — it sends you an email every day and you reply and it saves your messages and then sends them back to you. The ideal scenario is that five years from now, you see something you wrote and feel charmingly nostalgic. Oh, I remember that, what a good choice I made, how fun that was, whatever.

Holy bad words, I picked the wrong year to start using it.

Yesterday, we worked on cleaning out the house. It had to be done. I have no argument with that. It should have been done nine months ago. Maybe a year ago even. I think a year ago I might have cried my way through packing up my mom’s things for Goodwill with resolution and dignity and sorrow, but not despair. Yesterday, not so much. I want to keep it all. Everything. She cared about those things. She valued them. I look at them now and think, this was from the trip they took to Russia and they bought this in New Orleans and we got this together on our trip to London and she loved these dishes and I am just unwilling, unable, to let anything go.

I hate clutter. But I miss my mother.

So today’s OhLife? Said, “Michelle’s tumor is back. She’s having surgery on Friday. Pretty sure that’s enough said, but until I found that out, it was a nice day. I feel…numb. Not sure there are words, really.”

 I stayed numb for a long while. I wish I was still numb. The hardest part is the moments when I think, I am so, so, so sad, I should call…and there I stop. Because I should call my mom or I should call Michelle. They are who I reach out to when life is simply unbearable — my mom for the unconditional love, Michelle for the unconditional support.

And they’re gone.

Bitter break up songs

20 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by wyndes in Personal, Randomness

≈ 2 Comments

We were in the car on the way to school when Katy Perry’s Teenage Dream played on the radio, right after Taylor Swift’s We Are Never, Ever Getting Back Together. I mentioned to Rory that the singers singing about infatuated romance two years ago have now moved on to bitter break-up songs and something about his expression — first thoughtful, then mildly horrified — made me laugh so hard I almost choked. I can’t remember the last time I laughed like that. I’m sure whenever it was he was the one who made me do it and we were also in the car, because it felt like such a familiar experience, but wow, it felt rejuvenating. I think I’ve felt happier all morning long because of it.

I wrote yesterday for the first time in weeks. Literally, weeks. This morning, I expected–somewhat gloomily– to hate everything I wrote last night, but  in fact, I quite liked it. Whee. I haven’t yet written any more today, but I’m trying to make a pact with myself that I’ll write 1000 words a day of something. If not Time, then a short story or a letter or a blog post. Anything that lets me get back into the habit of fingers moving across the keyboard. This counts as a couple hundred words, but there will be more to come later.

August 5th

06 Monday Aug 2012

Posted by wyndes in Grief, Mom

≈ 4 Comments

I sort of anticipated that tomorrow would be bad, but today. . . today has been not good. Unexpectedly not good. After about my fourth cry, I finally went outside and swam despite the weather (what’s a little rain when you’re in a swimming pool, right? it’s just the lightning you’ve got to watch out for) and finally managed to get away from my relentless brain. And then getting out of the pool, I thought, “damn, I’m just so sad, I really need to call Mom, she always…” and then there I was again.

There ought to be a word other than “anniversary.” Anniversary sounds too positive, too festive. Anniversaries are for celebrations. But I can’t figure out what the word would be.

Birds

13 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by wyndes in Grief, Randomness, Self-publishing

≈ 3 Comments

A year ago Saturday my mom went into the hospital. She never came home again. This year, my dad got married on Saturday. I suppose it was a better way to spend the day than the way we spent it last year. But…yeah. Anyway, my brother and his daughter came to visit for the wedding so there were many photo op events — the wedding, the reception, dinner at my house, a picnic and inner-tubing at Kelly Park, the Science Museum, that kind of thing … but that’s not what I want to write about.

On Monday morning, I was sitting on the patio when suddenly, “thunk.” A little dark blob whizzed across my line of sight, and hit the ground. The dog immediately investigated and her level of curiosity and excitement was so high that after a minute, I followed suit, despite thinking it was a big bug. It wasn’t. It was a bird. Maybe a baby, maybe not. It had hit the spinning fan and it was sprawled on the ground, clearly hurt, its wings a mess, its feet curled oddly, but still breathing, still in distress.

What do you do with a hurt bird? I had no idea. It was the damn baby rabbits all over again. I picked it up and set it on the side of the grill, so that it was away from the dog. I watched it lying on its side, struggling to breathe, its heart beating fast, its eyes closing and going from dark beads to cloudy white orbs. The feathers were so soft, but I didn’t touch it after I set it down, just talked to it and grieved as it died. I couldn’t bear to bury it right away, so I took the dog for her walk and did my morning chores and then I went back out on the patio to deal with the body. I didn’t look at it — didn’t want to see it — until I’d found the trowel. I figured I’d bury it next to the two baby rabbit bodies — my little garden is turning into quite the cemetery. But when I finally came back to it, it was in a different position. Eyes closed, it was huddled small, but on its feet, and as I watched, I could see its heartbeat.

Huh.

Great. So it was going to take a long time to die. Lovely. Just what I needed. But I bent over it and its eyelids fluttered and then closed again, so it was clearly not ready to be buried.

I went back into the house and found a little bowl and brought out some water and put it next to the bird and then we went off to the park and did our inner-tubing and our picnicking and the whole time, I kept wishing that I’d added some sugar to the water. I’d brought out some millet, too, but it was only after we were on our way that I realized that the shape of its beak meant that it was a nectar drinking bird, not a seed eater.

We drove home, and I came into the house and I dreaded looking out onto the porch. I knew there’d be a little brown shape huddled on the grill and I knew that I would feel helpless and indecisive and miserable, not knowing how to help it. But no. No shape. I went out with such trepidation — had it fallen off? Had it tried to fly and landed on the hard ground? Why hadn’t I put it someplace soft? But I went out and looked all around and it was gone. Just gone.

It lived. It must have. It must have recovered, and then flown away.

It was such a surprise. Such a delight. A little miracle. For the rest of the day, I could be happy knowing that the bird was out there somewhere, maybe bruised, maybe sore, but at the very least able to fly.

Then two days later, I was driving home from the vet — $160 poorer but with a dog that I could stop worrying about — when the car in front of me hit a baby sandhill crane. HIT IT. The car saw it, slowed, and then fucking drove into the bird and drove away. The bird crumpled to the ground, but it was still alive. It was struggling to move, spasmodic twitches of its wings and legs.

I was on Dodd Road, which is a crappy road. Two people died in just about that spot ten days ago. There’s a curve and no place to easily stop on the right. The car next to me — a minivan — pulled over into the turn lane, but I couldn’t. Plus, I had the dog in the car. So I drove home, crying all the way. I’d never seen anything so callous and cruel. The person who hit it — they saw it. They slowed way down. And then they kept going. Who does that? What kind of sick person sees a two foot tall baby in the road and then just decides to run it over? (That’s a picture swiped from wikipedia. Sandhill cranes are a protected species, only 5000 left in the wild according to wikipedia, and if I’d been smart enough to get the license plate of the car, the driver could have been fined.)

The moment I got home, I called the vet and asked if I went back and the bird was still alive, if I could bring it to them. She told me to call Birds of Prey, a bird rescue place in Maitland, so I found their phone number, grabbed a sheet to wrap the bird in, and headed back out. 

It was gone. Totally gone. But two adult sandhills and a baby stood in the grass on the side of the road.

I don’t know whether the person in the minivan took the bird somewhere but if he or she did, it must have been alive. Or maybe that baby by the side of the road was the same baby and the car had knocked it over but not hurt it. But either way, I drove home with at least hope that the second bird of the week would survive.

Can I call it a weird week? Two birds that I thought were dead, not dead. It’s . . . nice. Also a very odd set of coincidences. One bird is just a nice small miracle. Two? Feels like a sign, except I’m not at all sure of what.

Oh, nice job

27 Wednesday Jun 2012

Posted by wyndes in Personal

≈ Comments Off on Oh, nice job

So I told the kid this morning, “I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a girly story, you’re not going to care. In fact you won’t remotely be interested. But I want you to nod and smile and at the end say, ‘Oh, nice job.'”

He said, “Uh, okay.”

I said, “I want you to practice. ‘Oh, nice job.'”

He was silent.

“Say it,” I prompted.

He barely managed to not roll his eyes at me. 

I said, “No, come on, practice. ‘Oh, nice job.'”

He said, voice dry, “I’m practicing in my head.”

I said, “‘Oh, nice job? You’re ready?”

He said, “Go.”

I told my story. It was a long story. It was a boring story. It was not something  he would remotely care about. It required me to discuss clothing. At the end, I said brightly, “Okay, I’m done.”

He said, “I forgot what I’m supposed to say.”

“Dude!” I protested.

And then he paid me a nice compliment that both proved that he’d listened to my whole long tedious story but also that he’d paid attention yesterday when I told him a different story. It was a really sweet thing to say, delivered in his typical totally deadpan, matter-of-fact way, as if it wasn’t really a compliment, just a statement of fact (when really, it was much more on the side of ‘sweet and totally not true’.)

I was surprised and touched. So, of course, I said, “Oh, nice job.”

He grinned at me, and said, “That, too.”

Darling dog — non-dog lovers beware

02 Saturday Jun 2012

Posted by wyndes in Personal, Randomness

≈ Comments Off on Darling dog — non-dog lovers beware

I just wrote a cranky comment on a blog and actually posted it. I think that makes the second time in a week. I read a blog post recently in which a line said something like, “If you want people to take you seriously, you must…” and my immediate mental reaction was “Why would I want people to take me seriously? Why does that matter?” This is relevant to my cranky comments, because, wow, some of the commentary on self-publishing takes itself really, really, really seriously. And yeah, technically I should be blaming the people behind the commentary, but I think it’s just group-think. People read advice and accept it and then articulate it themselves without ever really saying “Why?”

But I did not come here to rant about that. The dog has been amazing me recently — truly amazing me — with her cleverness, which is pretty impressive for an eight-year-old dog. I did a really good job of training her not to make noise to get what she wants as a puppy, so she’s never whined to go out or barked much. Run-down: noisy dog gets isolated in bathroom. Noisy dog stays isolated until noisy dog has been silent for exactly one minute, at which time the door opens and companion appears, lavish with love and praise. The quick response to silence allows noisy dog to realize that noise is counter-productive and silence is rewarded. Dog becomes quiet dog, especially remarkable for a JRT. Except in the back yard, where dog is allowed to bark freely. So the dog doesn’t make noise to get what she wants. Except now she’s learned how to make mechanical noise.

She started with the bathtub. She doesn’t like still water and never has, so for years, she’s hopped in the tub to get a drink. I think she might have started that in a house where the faucet dripped. And she’s got me well-trained now, because I usually hear the sound of her claws hitting the porcelain and come turn the water on trickle so she can drink. But I need to hear her when she hits the tub, because if I don’t, she’s quiet inside it. Lately, though, I’ve been listening to a lot more music so I don’t always hear her. She’s figured out how to make the drain plug rattle in the faucet and that’s loud enough so that I do hear it.

So she’s now learned that I respond to sound. Extension of that: she used to sit and wait patiently at the back door for as long as it took me to notice her and let her outside. Not anymore. The doors are French doors, and on one side, the unused side, there are blinds that reach to the ground. On the other side, the door we actually use to go in and out, no blinds. She sits at the door we use and if I don’t pay attention quickly enough, she sticks her nose over, into the blinds, and lifts them up and down to make them rattle. Then she waits at the door again. If I don’t respond, she gets more and more energetic with her rattle, making the sound louder and louder. I’m obviously letting her train me, but I’m so impressed by how smart she is to have figured this out after a lifetime of not using noise in this way, and to have managed to extend knowledge gained in one area, ie “if I rattle this metal thing, my person will come and fulfill my wishes” to another area, ie “if I rattle this plastic thing, maybe my person will come here?” 

One more story of Zelda cleverness: she has made a connection between the sound of the phone and my preparations to leave the house. Normally, if I am wandering around looking like I might be going somewhere — hitting the bathroom, picking up my keys, looking for my glasses — she watches me with interest and a little hope, but not eagerness. And she waits in the living room to see what I might be doing. But when the phone rings and in response I start making preparations to leave the house, she dashes to the back door and waits there. She’s realized that those two signals connect to mean a ride in the car to go pick up R wherever he might be.

I think what amazes me about these things is that she’s making connections. It’s not just that she’s learned one piece of information or signal, it’s that she’s putting signals together to make sense out of larger ideas. She’s the only dog I’ve ever known well, but I think she must be a really smart member of her species.

Also gorgeous and maybe later I’ll add a picture to this post to show off how cute she is. At the moment, though, we’re sitting outside, and I’ve got no pictures handy.

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