Category Archives: Grief

Things I know that I wish I didn’t

06 Monday Feb 2012

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You can always hear it in the voice, always.

Words are almost unnecessary.

I heard it in my dad’s voice yesterday, when he asked a question.  He knew the answer. He just didn’t want to know.

And I heard it in Chris’s voice this morning, when he left a message on my answering machine.

He told Finn on Friday. I won’t imagine that conversation. I don’t want to. But he said that Finn said, “I didn’t know. I didn’t know.”

Maybe he didn’t. But probably he did. He just didn’t want to.

I knew.

I was crying even before I picked up the phone to call Chris back.

Tomorrow, it will be six months since my mother died. She was the only person I really wanted to talk to today.

Eureka

02 Friday Sep 2011

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On August 6th, my mother died and two days later, Eureka was cancelled. I had thought that I was as sad as it was possible to be, that my body was absolutely filled up with sorrow, no more room for any more, and yet, surprise, there was room. Losing a television show made me cry, and wow, did that make me feel like an idiot. Really? Crying over a television show? I should seriously get a life.

But Eureka is a special show. It’s not just a weekly wacky story, explosions and absurd science and characters taking pratfalls (although there’s plenty of that.) It’s also a weekly glimpse into a community where three lovely things hold true.

The first is that everyone is weird in their own way, and that everyone is accepted despite or because of it. I admit, I also love it because everyone is smart and smart is seen as normal instead of strange, but even without the smart, people in Eureka have quirky obsessions, obscure interests, and random passions. The rocket scientist mechanic, the felonious physicist, the cook with the PhDs in gastronomy — despite their differences, they all work together, live together, care about each other.

The second is that no one is evil.

The third is that there’s always hope. No matter what happens, no matter how bleak things look, Carter will find a way to save the day.

Eureka is the only show that I’ve ever truly loved. Oh, sure, Firefly, Doctor Who, other shows over the years that I looked forward to watching, and other characters whose fate I cared about despite their status as imaginary people living in a box. But Eureka was a window into a world that I would have liked to live in.

I’m going to miss it.

Pain

28 Tuesday Jun 2011

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Hanging out at Mom’s house, and feeling helpless. I can empty the dishwasher. I can make chicken soup and PBJs. I can call the CT scan place and ask for them to get the films ready. But I can’t do anything about the fact that she’s hurting. It sucks. And I want to write but the words just aren’t happening.

Tiredness

23 Thursday Jun 2011

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I’m surprised by how really truly tired I feel. I have weird moments where I just can’t keep my eyes open, and ten minutes later I realize I’ve actually fallen asleep, sometimes with the computer still on my lap. These little ten minute naps, though, are oddly refreshing: I get two hours worth of energy off them. And then I’m exhausted again, desperately wanting to lie down and pull the covers up. I think I’ve probably fallen asleep eight times in the last 48 hours.

I sat down this afternoon to read my ethics assignment and read for ten minutes and then thought, no, I’d really rather be talking to my dad instead. So I picked up the phone and called him and it was exactly the right choice. He said today had been pretty bad, that he’d been in a foul mood in the morning. Foul mood? My dad? I tried to picture it, and not so much. He’s “eternally optimistic” according to my mom’s sister, “able to make the best of whatever comes his way,” according to his sister. Yep. But some things stretch even the most resilient.

Gah, time to go to class. I’m going to do badly on a quiz or two. Knowing that is less stressful than it would have been two weeks ago.

A distant connection

14 Sunday Sep 2008

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Pam called today. It’s such a rare occurrence that of course the first thing I said was, “Is everything all right?” Not so much. Her friend Mindy died on Friday night.

I barely knew Mindy. But she’s been a friend of a friend for the past twenty plus years. That’s a long time.

If we graphed out our friendships and relationships, tried to chart them, I think mostly they would look like tangled spiderwebs. The social networking tools like Facebook and Linked In and Twitter show those threads in all their complicated glory. Right now, it feels like one of my threads snapped on Friday night. While it wasn’t one of the threads that keeps my web stable, that holds me up and sustains me (yes, I’ve made myself a metaphorical spider), my web feels emptier for the loss. I’m sad.

I also feel a little angry. I’m not sure at who or at what, whether it’s god with a capital G or simply arbitrary fate. But it seems like my friends are all taking some serious hits this year and–ah, of course. Anger, as it generally is, is a cover for fear. Between Judith’s death just a few weeks ago and Jason’s brain tumor, the world is feeling like a very scary place. I feel too young for this. But maybe everyone always does.