I started the day determined to either do my taxes or build/re-do my websites, one or the other. Four hours later, I’ve rearranged the furniture in my bedroom, dusted, and started a load of laundry. Ah, procrastination, how lovely it is. At least it’s been productive procrastination. My belongings are more sensibly located now and soon I’ll have clean clothing, yay.

I intended last week to be a big creation week — lots of actual making of content, not so much reading other people’s content — but it didn’t turn out that way. I’m not honestly sure why. I knew there would be points along the way where I got discouraged. It’s inevitable in any new endeavor or project, I think. Down moments are what makes room for the up moments, right? But I think it’s not really discouragement so much as still needing processing time. I had an idea when I started of exactly what I wanted to do, and then I thought I couldn’t do that specific idea, so I started looking at related ideas, but really, what I want to do is what I thought of initially. And so now I have to think about how I can do that, and what’s getting in the way of that.

How vague I’m being! Sorry. But my goal really was so specifically about depression, and about wanting to help people who are fighting that specific battle, and life coaches/happiness coaches/wellness coaches are ethically not supposed to work with people who have a “mental illness.” I put it in quotes, because to me, depression is a symptom. And maybe it’s a symptom of a mental illness, but maybe it’s also a symptom of not getting enough sleep and not getting outside enough and not eating enough vegetables. That would be the whole point! But obviously, I am not going to do anything that is unethical. And on the other hand, how can it actually be unethical to be an accountability partner/cheerleader/strategist for someone who wants to become happier? Unethical, certainly, to make promises, but I wasn’t planning on making promises. I’m not even willing to guarantee my own happiness, much less anyone else’s. Ugh. Indecision kills dreams. I need to stop being so indecisive.

On Friday, I went to meet my writing buddy — very much looking forward to it! — but the car was dead. It looked like I hadn’t quite closed the back door, and the light might have been on, so I surmised it was a battery problem, but no one was around to give me a jump start. Christina and Greg were in Pensacola for the weekend, and no neighbors were out and about.

I was sad.

I felt like I had so many possible options, though. Downtown Sanford is only a couple miles away, so I could have walked, but I would have been far more reluctant to make the walk back in the dark. I obviously could have called an Uber or Lyft, too, and that might have been a good choice, except that I spent long enough messing around trying to figure out why the car wasn’t working and what I could do about it that our writing time would have been over by the time I arrived, anyway.

And then, of course, there was also the question of what to do about the car: call some kind of roadside assistance? Eh, I was in my driveway, so not in urgent need. Wait for Christina to get home? Definitely an option. It’s not like I use the car every day, so waiting three or four days to try a jumpstart would not dramatically affect my life. Hover outside until one of my neighbors came home? Someone would have shown up eventually, I’m sure.

But it was remarkable how unstressed I felt about it. Sad, yes. Bummed that I was missing my fun writing date, which I had been looking forward to. Annoyed, a little, that I was going to have to solve a problem that was so uninteresting to me. But not at all worried. I knew that if the car was truly dead — somehow completely non-functional, for now and forever — I would be just fine.

It was a really nice realization. Five months or so ago, when I was catastrophizing, not having any transportation felt terrifying. I would never have sold my van if I’d realized Suzanne was so untrustworthy, and I felt trapped and powerless. Now, despite not having a job, despite needing to earn more money, despite being indecisive and unsure of what my future will bring, I still feel safe. It’s really quite lovely. I do so like being happy. 🙂

As it happened, I bought this clever device from Amazon (at the BBE’s suggestion.) It arrived by 8AM the next morning and the car was running again that afternoon. Technology is lovely sometimes.

And now I have spent far too much time writing this blog post and pondering my own internal state of being, so onward. I think maybe taxes. Or, you know, a shower, and then a snack and then some playtime with Sophie, and then maybe taxes…

Happy Monday!