A conflict arose between me and a friend this week. Passive voice = terrible writing, but that’s what it felt like. Not really a fight, not really an argument, but a conflict. Neither of us started it, neither of us wanted it, but there it was, rising up between us like an ugly, fast-growing weed.
Hmm, I like the image of friendship as a garden. Different friendships, different gardens? Rose gardens and tea gardens and straight-lined vegetable gardens, rock gardens and English gardens. Hedges and bougainvillea…
Bougainvillea is so beautiful and yet so mean. If you’ve got bougainvillea in your friendship garden, it’s just waiting to stab you unexpectedly. It’s not like a cactus, screaming “do not touch” but more of a hidden danger. Maybe a judgement that hurts? I have one friendship that mattered a lot to me — it was a gorgeous garden, lush and flowering and colorful. But it’s basically a desert now, all dried up and barren. I think it was bougainvillea that did it.
Anyway, not the point. My conflict this week is resolved, more or less, but I’m still having imaginary arguments about it. Ruminating, in other words. After lots of therapy, a couple years of therapy school, and plenty of self-help books, I know how to deal with ruminating — when I catch myself having the thought again, I stop and say, “I’m having a thought about X, what’s the feeling behind it?”
For me, ruminating about something that’s over and done with means that it’s not actually done, that there’s an emotion that I need to experience in order to let go. I am completely mystified by this one, though. I don’t know what the feeling is. Hurt? Rejection? Anger? Anger is usually a secondary emotion — at its root, anger is usually about hurt or fear, maybe shame. Fear and shame don’t fit either, though. I tried talking to another friend about it, but it didn’t help. Would that I had a good therapist on speed-dial, because I feel like I’m hovering on one of those self-awareness breakthroughs good therapy can give you, if only I could get there.
Speaking of getting there… I am leaving Cedar Key today and Grace is not finished. Sigh. I am not going to blame my ruminations. I am not going to blame my Lois McMaster Bujold purchases, either, although they definitely had something to do with it. I made progress, just not enough progress.
As with every step of this book, the problem is too many characters. At every moment, I’ve needed to know what all the characters are doing — not just Noah and Grace, my ostensible hero and heroine, but Dillon, Rose, Sophia, Joe, Nadira, Misam, and now Akira. It’s like juggling, I suppose — even when the ball I’m juggling is not in my hand, I need to know where it is and where it’s going.
But I refuse to be depressed about it. I’m heading into a really busy week, to be followed by a really exciting week, to be followed by a really busy week… and then I will sit in Serenity in Pennsylvania and not move until I’ve finished writing Grace. Well, probably I will move. But I will really try to focus on Noah and Grace. Someday these two are going to find a happy ending!
Meanwhile, my really busy week starts today: I’m headed to Sarasota for a Mother’s Day weekend with R. I liked sitting still for two weeks — it was not as productive as I wanted it to be, but it was relaxing to grow familiar with a location. There’s a balancing act between “on the road” and “living in a tiny house” and I don’t think I’ve quite found my balance yet, but writing definitely gets easier when I’m not constantly moving. A point to remember as I plan my post-July time!
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I used to be the queen of imaginary arguments. Now I can usually catch myself and stop that particular mind mess pretty quickly. Lately I am having imaginary arguments about a situation at work, though. And I know it comes from feeling powerless over the situation and even unsafe in the face of that situation. Also, not feeling heard.
Good that you can recognize the feeling, but frustrating when that’s not enough to solve the problem. I wish you luck and safety!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on ruminating. I’m an OCD type of person and I’ll worry a situation to death, long after it’s over and (supposedly) done with. I like that you can see through the situation to realize there’s more to it than meets the eye. There’s a reason you keep going over the same thing over and over again — I feel like it’s a lesson we can’t quite get, so we keep working it in our mind, over and over and over again. Interesting… very, very interesting! I’ll remember this the next time I obsess over something!
I find it very useful. I used to be a world-class ruminator — I think editors by nature are ruminators, just because the level of perfectionism and attention to detail that makes a good editor also makes a ruminator. But I’ve really managed to let go of a lot of it and it has made my life much happier!
I agree with this more than you know… I ruminate quite a bit. It’s a terrible habit – one that I need to break. But I often look at it this way too: the person who I’m having a conflict with is obviously important enough for me to keep working through things in my head… hence they are clearly worth the effort. Hope you’re fully resolved now. xx – nova
That’s a great way to look at it! And I am resolved now — I finally figured out that at least part of my ruminating was that I, very unexpectedly, won the conflict (more or less). It was like the surprise of pushing against a door that you discover is open and fall through. I had to recover from the stumble!