Almost five years ago, I was trying to decide if I should post A Gift of Ghosts to Amazon. I never really considered doing anything else with it: it was post to Amazon or let go, not start hunting for agents or rewriting or anything like that. I was well aware of the many things wrong with it, from an opening where she looks in a mirror to its lack of a real plot. But I liked it. I thought of it as not so much a novel as a puzzle box, something you keep opening (reading) to find out what’s farther in. My dad called it an “entertaining onion,” which I love as a description. And I’d let a few other people read it and they’d mostly liked it, too.
When I finally did decide to post it, I’d come up with a five-year plan: I’d write a million words, aiming for ten novels, and if I was earning $1000 per month at the end of the five years, I’d consider whether I wanted to take writing seriously. I also planned to finish graduate school, get my master’s degree in counseling, and find a job for my internship hours. Right about now, I ought to be about ready to open up my private practice, being duly licensed and all that.
Ha.
Life is weird.
That five-year plan was my very first five-year plan. I’m not someone who started college with an idea of what I wanted to be doing and my career–which worked out really well for me, actually–never came with associated goals. I didn’t flounder, but I always knew what I was doing made sense for the day I was in. Even when I hated my job, and there were times when I did, I was very clear with myself about why I was doing it. But it was never with an idea of where I wanted to be in five years or what my goals were. My goals were to do good work, be a good mom, and end the month within budget so I could take my kid out for Chinese food or maybe sushi now and then.
So here I am, having completely failed to accomplish my five-year plan. No million words, nowhere close. No ten novels. No degree. No license.
On the other hand, wow. The past five years have brought me so much. Some amazing friends — it’s hard to believe I hadn’t even met some of the people who make my life so much richer now. Some intensive self-discovery and growth. Some radical changes in diet and health — I couldn’t have imagined, ever, how much better I would be feeling physically. That it was even possible to feel so much better physically! If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t tell myself to write more and faster, but to get rid of gluten sooner. And, of course, adventures and travel and a stray dog and… joy. Lots of joy.
I sort of want to create a new five-year plan, not so much because I think I’ll accomplish it, but because this moment of looking back, of reflecting on what I aspired to and what I accomplished, is maybe what five-year plans should really be all about. I didn’t achieve what I hoped to achieve. In that sense, my five-year plan is obviously a big fail. But I am so filled with gratitude for what I found instead. My past five years were hard and painful and frustrating and challenging and so, so, so rewarding. For my next five… well, I’d really like to skip some of the pain. Maybe a lot of the pain, in fact. But for the rest… I guess I’ll be thinking about that.
But first, it’s back to Grace!
Judy, Judy, Judy said:
Meant to respond to the last post and kept getting interrupted. Started off determined to look through my pinterest writing quotes for a good one. That was a time sink. In a nutshell – reptiles are my least favorite animal – keep writing.
As to 5 year plans – I think they probably work the same way for me. They serve as a reminder of where I was five years ago and I usually end up being grateful.
For myself, I am so glad you ended up sending A Gift Of Ghosts and all your other books out in the world. I so enjoyed reading them!
wyndes said:
Thanks, Judy! May both our next five years be productive and satisfying!
Kyla Bendt said:
I think making plans/goals is a positive thing and that it can help to keep us moving in the right direction, or in a direction anyway.
Some of my long term plans in life have panned out- like getting a degree. Other plans (like moving into my van and traveling full-time) seem to have been things that the universe just didn’t think should happen.
I tend to set goals and re-examine my priorities on kind of an annual basis around New Year’s. Some things I accomplish, others I don’t and that’s OK. Some just have to go on the list for the next year and eventually they happen.
The five-year thing is an interesting one to think about. There is so much that one could do in five years with a bit of patience and dedication that could never be done in five months.
wyndes said:
I think it’s probably also good to have some way of being reminded of your goals on a regular basis. I’m sure I did mentally set goals for myself in previous times/years, but then I eventually forgot all about them. Or at least never looked back and reflected on whether I’d accomplished what I set out to accomplish. But I am definitely considering what I’d like to do in the next five years!
Allison said:
Funny you talk about A Five-Year Plan for the last couple of years I’ve been dreading getting older and my 58th and 59th Years were kind of hard. I spent a lot of time being depressed about aging, and yet when I turned 60 this year I decided to be hopeful. I decided that I wanted to live to be a hundred and that I needed a 40-year plan. So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve created a life plan for the next 40 years of my life.
I want to go back to school, I want to get the postgraduate degree that I wanted. I don’t know that I want to work with it a lot, but I want to focus on accomplishing it.
I want to create art. I’ve never drawn or painted, that kind of art never came easily to me. I want to give it a chance.
I want to learn more about technology and try to keep up with technology trends. I want to make that a focus.
Finally I want to master a foreign language, at least one, so I’ve started learning French. I’ve been working on it about a year. I found an app for my phone that suits my learning style and I rarely miss a day of practice. It’s been fun. I’m starting to be able to read in French.
I guess I’m just really determined to not fall into the trap of aging and relinquishing an ongoing interest in life. Maybe I also need an five-year interim goal plan, master the French in 5 years, and then start on Italian and 5 years to finish my masters degree . . . hmm that could work too.
wyndes said:
That sounds terrific! I’m not sure I can come up with a forty-year plan, but my stepmom (who I’m sure would prefer I not reveal her age) is aging better than anyone I know and I know it’s because she is so active and interested in so much. Technology is not so much her thing, but she line dances and works out and goes to classes. Her schedule is full all the time.
I do think that for me, one of my life focuses (foci?) is appreciation of the moment I’m in. My mom spent a lot of time depressed before she died about her Alzheimer’s diagnosis — the last couple years of her life were really hard. If she’d known pancreatic cancer would take her before the Alzheimer’s could do much more than slow her down at new computer tasks, I suspect she would have spent those years much differently. My quest this week (while I’m camped in what is basically a parking lot) is to find and appreciate something beautiful every day. It’s harder than it sounds.