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I’m not sure why I woke up in a bleak mood this morning. Nothing went wrong, nothing bad happened, and yet my old enemy depression grabbed me by the throat and started beating me up.
To this level: I opened the cupboard to get the coffee and somehow knocked a glass out. It shattered on the granite countertop and I sighed and decided to finish making coffee before cleaning up. And in the 90 seconds while I scooped the coffee and ran the water, my brain kept cycling around the question of whether I could kill myself with the broken glass but still somehow make it look like an accident. I’m not suicidal. I have no intention of killing myself. But that thought process is known as suicidal ideation and it’s one of the deepest and most frustrating symptoms of depression for me. I finished making the coffee and I cleaned up the glass carefully and I fed the dogs and I tried very hard not to hate myself.
And then I opened Facebook and read this post from Anne Lamott. And you should absolutely go read the whole thing, because it is so worth it, but this line — “The author might mention in passing that we get to start a new, sillier, more self-forgiving day whenever we want to.” — that line is the gift of grace that I needed this morning.
(Really, go read the whole thing. I want to quote it all. And then read the comments, because many of them are lovely and moving, too.)
Today, I am going to be silly and self-forgiving. And I’m going to write a lot of good words, and maybe I’m even going to hunt down some Valentine’s Day chocolate (or other chocolate, I’m not picky).
And on a totally unrelated note:
Acorn squash stuffed with stuff
I feel for you. I don’t experience depression as such but days where I just can’t be present. I’m on the third day so far. Not sad just distracted for no reason. I don’t think depression is a reason to hate yourself. This life is hard.
It would be nice if I could hate the depression instead of myself, but we’re so inextricably intertwined when I have it that it’s tough to see the separation. It’s my brain, after all, that’s stabbing me in the back. But I painted my bathroom and went to yoga and ate chocolate, so… onward and upward, right?
Thank you so very much for this post. I have the same problems/thoughts at times as I suffer from chronic depression. It’s so very difficult sometimes. And here you are, telling me I’m o.k. and I’m like someone else in this life and that’s o.k. Healing hugs to you. So very blessed to have you in my life.
Ditto! Both thank you very much for your comment — it is so good to know that I am not alone — and ditto that I am blessed to have you in my life. So grateful that you are here! And hugs back to you.
You are certainly not alone! The suicidal ideation can really slap you upside the head when it gets like that! I have recurrent major depressive episodes that can last for months. I would never, ever kill myself but that thinking is so intrusive. Good for you for standing up to it and doing successful things anyway! I know that if I stop what I’m doing when it happens and go and do something else, my mind will usually get out of that track. Exercise does help (I bet that yoga did help!). I’m working on that. Physical therapy is helping, too. Good for you for fighting it!!