Yesterday was a seriously tearful day. It’s been a while since I grieved so fiercely, but for the day — ugh, and now this morning, too — I missed my mother so intensely that the tears just kept flowing. It has gotten easier — I used to have days like that all the time and this was the first one in months — but the hole doesn’t go away.
That’s not what I wanted to write about, though. In yoga last week, when the wonderful yoga instructor was giving instructions for wild thing (camatkarasana), I … followed the instructions. And did the pose. A year ago, wild thing was one of those poses that I scoffed at. Ha, ha, yeah, no way. No way was my body ever getting into that position. Not going to happen. Not in a million years. Or, you know, as it happened, one year.
Yoga, for me, has been a little about the exercise but mostly about the mindfulness, trying to be in the present, trying to breathe and let myself feel. If it had just been exercise, I wouldn’t have lasted more than a few weeks, because I’ve never really cared that much. Most exercise has seemed pointless to me. Run three miles? Why would I want to? But I was so satisfied last week, so pleased with myself. I want to remember that feeling.
Last night, both dogs were being snuggly. Zelda hates it when I cry — well, or possibly she likes it, because she is passionate about trying to thoroughly clean my face if there are tears rolling down it — but Bartleby was, if anything, worse. For Z, once the tears are stopped, it’s over. She heaves a sigh of relief, and goes back to chewing on a toy or sleeping or doing one of those doggie investigations of the backyard. But Bartleby appears to think that tears mean he should put his entire body on top of me and stay there indefinitely. He’s like a cat. Well, except that I don’t think most cats care if their people cry. But he was not going away and he was not getting off and that made Zelda worried, too. I finally wound up lying in bed with a dog on each arm, completely cuddled up next to me, their heads by my shoulders. And then they went to sleep. And both of them started to snore! Not in the same rhythm. Crackle-wheeze, crackle-wheeze, crackle-wheeze. I felt, in that moment, supremely blessed and very lucky. Also, eventually, ridiculously stiff. I finally slid them off my arms and rolled over to sleep myself, where I dreamed that Christian Kane was my personal trainer and that running felt like flying. It was a good dream.
Sushi with rice, wasabi, soy sauce (gluten-free), and white wine yesterday — four things I am not allowed to eat. I feel okay today, though. Okay enough to go stare at my file and wish I remembered how to write.
I started reading the Gift series again. Akira and Zane. I feel better after them. I hope you remember how to write. I am so grateful for what you have done so far!
I am just starting into yoga. I got the book yoga for dummies. It is really good. My first goal is to be able to do a 12 pose sun salutation. That is pretty far away. My next goal is to find a laughing yoga class that I can participate in just once. Have you read Heavenly Hirani’s School of Laughing Yoga? I loved it. I love everything Sarah-Kate Lynch writes.
Lately the thing keeping me going is the television series Pitbulls and Parolees. You see how evil people can be but you also see good people working to overcome that evil and succeeding. An episode comes on at noon and 1 everyday and I tape them. If I get discouraged with people I can tell myself – it will be okay. I have a Pitbulls and Parolees on tape to watch at home.
So sorry about your mom. I know it’s not new but it still hurts so, I;m sorry.
I haven’t read that book or anything by Sarah-Kate Lynch, but I’ll have to look for it (them). I’ve been reading a lot more this year for some reason, I think maybe because I felt guilty for not even finishing 50 books last year. I used to read a book a day and 50 books in a year would have been nothing to me. As for yoga, though, you should look for a yoga class, because yoga instructors are pretty much the most supportive people alive. The instructors I’ve had all says things like, “honor your body, do what feels comfortable, if you need to take a break in child’s pose, go ahead, remember, it’s your practice, no one else’s, as long as you’re breathing, you’re doing it right,” and so on. And it’s a lovely circle — the more relaxed you feel, the easier it is to try new things, and the more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes. I’ve thought, too, that the cycle of (for me), not eating gluten, therefore having more energy, therefore feeling more inclined to exercise, therefore losing weight, therefore having exercise get easier, therefore having more energy, etc… is a really good cycle when you can keep it going. I don’t much like sticking to this rigid diet, but I really like how much better I feel. But I probably wouldn’t be able to stick to the yoga if it wasn’t for the Y and the encouraging classes, just because I never have been much of an exerciser. I know how to do a sun salutation but I’ve never really done one at home, for no real reason!