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~ Home of author Sarah Wynde

Category Archives: Trill

Existential dread

24 Wednesday Apr 2013

Posted by wyndes in Anxiety, Personal, Trill, Zelda

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I’m having a strange month.

The details don’t feel like my story to tell, but my stepmother is on the health roller-coaster, the one that goes slowly up and then much too quickly down, down, down. She’s been sick since we were in Belize and now she’s in intensive care again, or she was yesterday.

As a result, Gizmo is living with me. That’s been 90% pure pleasure. He’s a nitwit, but so sweet. The 10% is that as I have been falling more in love with him, Zelda has been getting a little more suspicious, a little more inclined to shove him out of the way and glare. He’s completely tolerant, he lets her be the boss, but I feel sad for her. Jealousy isn’t pleasant, even for dogs. I’ve been making sure she knows she’s first dog, but Gizmo does need to get brushed and loved, too, and she just has to put up with it.

Requisite cute dog photo:

two dogs

Zelda and Gizmo

One of the positives of having Gizmo is that he’s helped me stop missing Trill quite so much. Ironically, given how often she bit me, her loss has been the hardest pet loss I’ve ever experienced. My childhood dog would have been first, but when we lost him, I’d been gone from home for five years. I sobbed for hours, but he wasn’t a fixture in my day-to-day life, and two days later, it was a sadness, not an emptiness. Trill left an emptiness. A silence. It’s been almost a month and I still miss her every morning. (That’s an improvement, though, over the first week, where I cried every day and felt ridiculous almost every time. She was a bird. A grouchy bird! But she had such a big personality. Ugh, I probably have to go cry again.)

Moving on… worrying about C — and in relation, worrying about my dad, who seems older every time I see him, more tired every time I speak with him — plus all of last week’s horribleness, has got me hovering in a state of existential dread. I want to feel like the world has good things in it, positive outcomes, happiness. Instead, I’ve got that sense of generalized anxiety that grinds away in the back of my head, reminding me constantly that life is fragile, the world dangerous. I’m not enjoying it.

Anyway, I’m not going to go on and on about that, because I don’t particularly want to be reminded of it two or three years from now or whenever I re-read this post, but it’s all a long-winded explanation for this picture:

a big bird

A bird on our morning walk

Seeing birds like this, views like this, when I’m just out walking the dogs, reminds me to be mindful of the magic around me. It’s a reminder I really need at the moment, so I’m going to be trying to post pictures of my morning walk for a while. Probably not a long while, because I’m not that organized, but expect to see some flowers and birds for the next few days.

Silence = sadness

31 Sunday Mar 2013

Posted by wyndes in Trill

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our lovebird

Sometimes the worst part of a trip is what’s happening at home while you’re gone.

Our lovebird died while we were away. We don’t know why. I thought probably stress — too much change, too many different locations — but my dad said that she’d seemed perfectly happy for the first week, chirping and squawking just like always. I don’t know that it matters. People wanted to talk about it tonight (Easter, so family dinner), but I walked away, I don’t have the stamina to casually chat about what could have caused her death. I would have started sobbing again if I’d stayed.

I loved that bird. She was cranky and mean, she bit and complained and she hated that she was low creature on the totem pole. But she was also lively and spirited and smart and much more full of personality than any creature so small had a right to be.

The house is so much quieter without her.

What is not perfect?

03 Monday Aug 2009

Posted by wyndes in Personal, Randomness, Trill, Zelda

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The answer is bugs! Zelda’s picking up ticks and fleas, the porch has wasps, fire ants are actually building their nests in the walls, and R and I are both getting phobic about the random stray bug bites that keep appearing on our skin. Oh, and let’s not even mention the mosquitoes. But all else is absolutely glorious.

In other news, the bird is chewing up my credit card bill, making little pieces with which she will pretend to build a nest. I like this use for a credit card bill better than any other I could have imagined.

Trill takes a shower

07 Tuesday Oct 2008

Posted by wyndes in Trill

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Trill takes a shower, originally uploaded by wendy4767.

It’s not easy to take a picture of a bird while also also providing the perfect perch for her bath-time. Like the dog, she prefers running water, slightly colder than I would have anticipated.

The boy and I are both sick today, with colds and general misery. I do not like having company while I’m sick, and I think I’ve made him feel worse by making that a little too obvious. But I’m the crawl off in the corner and be by myself kind of sick person and he’s the snuggle up on the couch and want attention kind of sick person, and they’re really not a good combo.

Took an actual sick day from work but I am still feeling compelled to check email every hour.

Trill

13 Saturday Sep 2008

Posted by wyndes in Trill

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The bird has decided that her favorite sleeping place on me is scooted underneath my fingers when my hands are on the trackpad. I so wish I could get a picture of it, because it’s incredibly cute. She tucks her head over my thumb just like she tucks it into her back. Meanwhile, the dog is asleep across my legs. I am a prisoner of my sleeping animals, thinking of all the things I should be doing…vacuuming, dealing with the kitchen floor (which is crazy dirty after all the cooking I’ve been doing lately), grocery shopping, oh, yeah, the really boring Saturday stuff. But how can I disturb the sleeping dog and bird? Starting to type woke the bird, though, and now she’s trying to nibble me.

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