I had a really nice conversation with the Best Brother Ever today.
That wasn’t what made it nice, though. We’d been texting, which we do pretty regularly, and I’d written:
I’m so tired of being depressed. I feel like I work so hard at all the things I know how to do — being mindful and eating healthy food and journaling and getting outside time and being grateful and finding things to anticipate and you know, it just shouldn’t be so hard. I need to get a dog, I really do.me
The next minute, my phone rang and for the next hour or so, we talked about depression and grief and dogs and therapy and drugs and exercise and all the things. And at the end of it, I felt better.
I went to write about it in my journal, which is the only place I’ve been writing for the past few months, but almost before I started, I thought, “No. I want to write about this in a place where I will save it. Where I will find it again. Where I will be reminded of it, sometimes randomly because of those little links at the end of my posts re-surfacing past entries and sometimes intentionally when I search or read. I want to write about it on my blog.”
And so, I am bringing my blog back to life. I’m not actually hurting less than I was when I killed it. The summary from my text pretty much covers my current state of mind: working hard at happiness, doing all the right things, and yet still depressed and grieving and incredibly hurt by the callous behavior of people I loved. I’m still both horrified and disgusted that my son would read my blog while ignoring my texts, phone calls, and emails. Even more horrified that someone I thought was a friend would be in touch with him closely enough to know that and yet not care enough about me to let me know she’d heard from him and he was okay. For all I know, he’s homeless, unemployed, and… but that’s not my problem, is it? I have to let that go. I’m working on it, truly I am.
And meanwhile, the Best Brother Ever remains the Best Brother Ever. I’m so glad he’s in my life, so grateful for his existence.
Also grateful for Serenity, Serendipity, & spring.