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~ Home of author Sarah Wynde

Monthly Archives: March 2016

March 31st

31 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in Boring

≈ 4 Comments

I am trying not to beat myself up about the fact that I’ve reached the end of another month and still not finished Grace. If you’d told me this would happen at the end of November, I would have given up. Quit writing, started looking for a real job… maybe I could become a paralegal. That’s always sounded sort of interesting. Or sell insurance? That’s never sounded interesting, but maybe I’d be good at it.

My friend E thinks I should quit beating myself up in general. Not just about writing but about ALL the things. I ate gluten last week at Universal because I was at that stage of sugar-crashing where I could feel myself turning mean. We were getting rained on and the lines were long and I needed to eat ASAP, so I had a chocolate muffin because it was expedient. Later, since I’d already eaten gluten and not particularly enjoyed it, I had pizza. Might as well go for broke. However, broke(n) is how I’ve felt all week. Like I’m coming down with the flu. I’ve had a load of laundry in the dryer for two days and the thought of folding it just seems so overwhelmingly exhausting. Yep, gluten-reaction. I know it’ll happen, and yet I eat the gluten anyway. And before I start being mean to myself and/or whining about that, I’ll stop. I should start feeling better tomorrow, so yay, something to look forward to.

Forty-five minutes ago, when I was walking the dogs on a truly beautiful morning — the sun was rising, the sky was streaked with gorgeous deep pink clouds and a half-moon was still brightly white in the deeper blue sky — I had so many things I wanted to write about. Packing and traveling and memories of the past, books I’m reading, choices I’m making, so many thoughts overflowing my brain. Now that I’m sitting down at the computer, not so much. So maybe I’ll open my most recent file on Grace and stare blankly at it, instead. Yesterday’s writing was definitely progress — probably not quite enough momentum to push me all the way through my rewrites, but I’m getting there, I hope.

First, though, I’ll tag this post “boring.” Sorry!

Sophia

28 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in Grace, Personal, Writing

≈ 9 Comments

I took the weekend off — yes, my chain is broken and I start it anew today. I have no regrets. My house had hit a place of chaos that was becoming unlivable for me and it was stressing me out. Stuff everywhere. I should post a picture of my coffee table, except that it’s so much better than it was that it wouldn’t accurately represent the chaos.

Instead, how about a picture of a dragon?
2016-03-25 12.59.44

On Friday, I took my niece to Universal. She, unfortunately, is not in a phase where she likes roller coasters and the Universal Parks are very roller-coaster centric, so we mostly just wandered, but we had a good time. We watched a couple shows, including the singers in Diagon Alley and the animal training show. During the latter, she leaned over to me and said, “I am completely and utterly happy,” so score, she had at least a few good moments. Her mom has been sick, so her spring break was not the imagined ideal of vacation time. A fire-breathing dragon can’t make up for that entirely, but it’s impressive nonetheless. (It really does breathe fire. You can feel the heat of it on the street below!)

But this morning I was walking the dogs and thinking about Grace and getting back into it and where I was going and I realized again that Sophia is my problem. Some characters are just really determined to steal the show and she is one of them.

With Ghosts, very, very, very belatedly (last fall if you were reading then!), I realized that I did indeed have a classic hero’s journey plot, but it was Dillon’s, not Akira’s. Akira was the mentor character. And this is Ghosts, not Thought, which was much more obviously Dillon’s story. With Grace, I realized on some revision that yes, it wanted to be Dillon’s story again. Maybe that was the third revision? On the fourth, I gave Sophia more story. Now that I’m on the fifth (I think, unless this is the sixth), it’s obvious that she’s not satisfied with what she’s got — she wants even more.

It’s strange: I realize none of you know her yet, so you can’t know what she’s like. But… hmm, an excerpt? Okay, here’s her intro. This is from the first chapter, so it’s not exactly a spoiler, but stop reading if you don’t want to know anything until the book is in your hands (or on your Kindle).

*****
A soldier in desert camouflage was leaning against the same wall. He was young, tan, brown hair cropped short, and he looked solid, just like a living person, but Dillon was almost positive that he was a ghost. Next to him, a woman in a long dark robe, her hair covered by a tight scarf, crouched by a small boy in a blue-and-white striped t-shirt. They had to be ghosts, too, and the teenage girl with a nose ring sprawled across a bench, ignoring the men on whose laps her body rested, was definitely a ghost. Around everyone, cloudy wisps of white light bobbed and floated in the air.

Had all these people died in the courthouse? Dillon paused a careful distance away from any of the ghosts. Two of the living people walked through him, their heads bent together, their conversation low-voiced, indistinguishable in the ambient echoes and sounds of the hallway.

The soldier spotted him. “Hey,” he said, straightening. “Welcome to the party.”

The girl on the bench sat up. She stared at Dillon, her gaze accusing. “Who are you?”

The scrubbing woman lifted her head to look at him. “Oh dear, oh dear,” she mumbled before bending back to her work. “This floor will never get clean if people keep walking on it.”

“Um, hi.” Dillon gave a tentative wave in the direction of the bench. “I’m Dillon.”

The soldier pointed at himself, the woman in the robe, the boy, the teenage girl, the man in the apron, and the cleaning woman. “Joe, Nadira, Misam, Sophia, Chaupi, and Mona. Don’t worry about the others.” He waved a hand through a ball of light drifting near his face, then gestured toward the woman in the long dress and the man who paced. “She sings and he rants and some of the others say stuff once in a while, but they don’t talk to us.” His smile was friendly and his tone matter-of-fact. He seemed welcoming, but not unduly excited.

He must never have met any dangerous ghosts. Dillon hadn’t been so lucky.

But he said, “It’s nice to meet you all,” and glanced from face to face, trying to connect each of the names to its owner. If he had it right, the woman in the robe was Nadira and the little boy was Misam. From their closeness and their matching dark eyes, Dillon suspected they were mother and son.

Sophia, the girl with the nose ring, didn’t look related. She was perched on the bench, hands tucked around the edge as if gripping it, gaze intent on Dillon. With wrists like toothpicks and collarbones jutting forth from thin shoulders, she reminded him of a fledgling bird.

“Hey, you, too.” Joe gave him an easy smile. “The more the merrier, right?”

Dillon wasn’t so sure about that. But Joe’s smile was hard to resist and none of the ghosts seemed threatening, not even the nameless pacing man, so he stepped closer.

His mom was back on her cell phone, talking to his dad. Her presence wasn’t reassuring, exactly—it wasn’t like she could do anything if these ghosts were trouble—but it was comforting to know that he could communicate with her if he needed to.

“So what are you all doing here?” Dillon asked. “Is this where you died?”

Sophia snorted. “Here? With all those metal detectors at the entrance? What do you think, mass poisoning? Bomb?” She rolled her eyes and flopped back down across the laps of the men sitting on the bench.

*****

Posting this makes me want to write, so I’m going back to Grace. But as I head back into the thicket of the middle (yet again!), I’m going to be trying to untangle Sophia’s threads from the rest of the story. If I know where she is going, I think I’ll know how to get to where the story is going. It’s not her story, but her threads are a big part of my current knot, I think. Here’s hoping that insight gives me what I need to make great progress this week!

Cleaning Out

26 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in House

≈ 6 Comments

My plan for the day was just to get my house in order. No worrying about writing, other people, getting out of the house, doing anything except clearing up the supremely gigantic mess that has been made of my house over the past two weeks.

It’s now 1PM and I’m feeling like maybe that was an overly ambitious plan. And maybe I should go back to stressing myself out about writing instead, because it’d be easier. Or maybe I should just go back to bed.

It’s strange to drag all of your past out into the light and examine it. Trying to decide what to keep, what should go, what matters, what doesn’t. We have, of course, many DVDs. Not an atypical number, I don’t think, but an assortment. I’ve got four complete seasons of the Simpsons. Keep or sell or discard? My first impulse was keep, of course, because R loved them, but I easily managed to over-ride that impulse. They’re out for the garage sale now and if they don’t sell, they can go to Goodwill. The Sixth Sense. I loved that movie. That DVD goes into a “maybe I’ll watch this again before I decide” pile. Star Wars, Lord of the Rings… garage sale. But the cleaning issue is that every single solitary thing has to get thought about. And with a lot of things, spread everywhere, all that thinking adds up.

Some of the decisions go with the writing that’s connected to my marriage. I spent an hour today reading the journal where I fell in love with my ex. At the end, I threw it in my bedroom trash can. Did I pick the bedroom so that I could change my mind and pull it out in a few hours without worrying about coffee grounds or other ickiness on it? Yeah, I think so. Am I going to? Probably not. If it was filled with happiness, I might, but it wasn’t. The seeds of doom were planted early in that relationship and in retrospect, they were pretty obvious, even that first year.

Yesterday I spent an hour reading another journal, the one from our first break-up. Oh, I wish I could go back in time and yell at my former self. There’s one particular section where I’m agonizing about why he doesn’t trust me and I just wanted to slap myself. I almost saw it, so close, so damn close! He had accused me of reading a letter that he’d left in the room and my feelings were hurt. Why would he think I would do something like that? I would never. Around and around and around about what it meant that he didn’t trust me and never once did I stop to think, “Maybe it means that he is not trustworthy.” Came close once, when I questioned what he was writing that he was worried about me seeing, but if only I’d taken that thought just a little farther. Ugh. And sadly, that was before I married him. If only…

But this isn’t either getting my house clean or getting my words on Grace in, so I should move on. Last week three houses in my neighborhood had sales pending. This week, all three of those sales have fallen through. That probably means that they didn’t get appraised at the prices that people were willing to pay (I think) so the market is heating up but the banks may not be on board yet. Alas. But that’s okay. I keep reminding myself that I don’t have to be in a rush, and I don’t, but I’d really like to move on to the fun part of this big adventure instead of wallowing in the hard part.

I’ll get there, though. And meanwhile, the pile labelled “watch/read before deciding” is big enough to keep me busy for weeks.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff

24 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in Randomness

≈ 1 Comment

I used to think I was sort of minimalist in what I owned. My house, compared to many others I’ve seen, has far too many books but not otherwise a lot of clutter. I had entire rooms that I thought were close to empty. A guest room with nothing in it but a few chairs and lamps. A front room with a chair, a footstool, and three bookcases. The living room with a couch, a chair, a daybed, a dresser-like television stand and a television. Seriously, not much stuff.

Oh, I was so wrong. My house is overflowing with stuff. Stuff, stuff, and more stuff.

I’m trying to balance my competing needs — to take my time looking through it and to get rid of it all as quickly and painlessly as possible. To save what I value but not get bogged down in owning (or being owned by) a lot of things. To respect my past but not wallow in it.

A long time ago, I threw away my high school yearbooks because I didn’t imagine I would ever care. I’ve regretted it since. I don’t want to figuratively do that again, but at the same time, if I owned those yearbooks right now, they would so be going in the trash. I’m trying to cut down the memorabilia to only what will fit inside my mother’s cedar chest and it is requiring me to be ruthless. R has these big thick binders, portfolios, from all of his early school years. So much art, so many stories. Math worksheets, science projects, records of field trips, photos, mementos. So much stuff! Meanwhile, I’ve got letters. I found an envelope with all the letters that R’s dad wrote to me during a year we were separated. Ugh. I’m not sure I want to read them, but I’m also not sure I want to throw them away. Letters from friends, journals from all the years that I wrote journals, baby books, high school awards, scrapbooks, photos, photos and more photos.

Being ruthless is not so easy.

However, I woke up joyful this morning and that was fun. Not joyful about cleaning out the house or the big adventure, but joyful because yesterday, while driving home from Sarasota, I figured out why I’m stuck on Grace. It means going back, but not all the way back, and — much more importantly — it means I see my way forward again. Two weeks ago I would have been so annoyed with myself at the thought of going back at all, but after days of grinding my wheels, being stuck in the mud, I’m just delighted that I’ve got an idea that might bring some movement. Yesterday, in fact, I gave myself permission to not write — it’s been a long week and I was wiped out after spending the day driving to Sarasota and back — but before I went to bed, I wrote a few sentences anyway, because I wanted to write. Wanting to write is such a good feeling!

Tomorrow I’m taking my niece to Universal and then after that spring break is over and I’ll be able to really buckle down and get back to work again. In between throwing away letters and journals and beloved books, that is.

Motivation

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in Grace, Writing

≈ 10 Comments

Both days of this weekend came perilously close to being the first day of 2016 on which I didn’t do any writing at all. But I eked out a couple of sentences both evenings, so my streak is not technically broken.

I say technically because I’m sort of dubious about yesterday’s words. On Saturday, I knew the words were incoherent and probably not going to last, but that’s okay, because it’s a first draft and incoherent words can get fixed. It’s much tougher to fix no words than it is to fix bad words. Yesterday, though, I was so utterly blank that I couldn’t come up with anything. Close to three hours spent flipping in and out of the file and my mind stayed stubbornly empty. I finally decided that I’d just write part of something that might happen later, so I switched PoV’s and wrote a couple paragraphs of Grace thinking. I know those words won’t get used. They don’t fit anything that should be going on now.

I’m not sure why I’m so stuck. Apart from the distractions of life, of course. Usually this level of stuck would mean that I took a wrong turn somewhere, that I’ve headed down a dead end. But this is where I wanted to be. I may have to go back and re-read the whole thing — so, so, so dangerous — to see where I should go. But yes, I am afraid to do that because so often that drives me back to starting over and I am just not going to do that again. I’ve got 57K good words. Another 20K and I have a book. But at the moment, it sure doesn’t feel like a book to me. *sigh.

Today’s plan: well, R is home for the one full day that he will be here on his spring break. So really, I’m going to be kind to myself. I’m not going to stress about getting lots of writing done or cleaning or organizing or anything. I’m going to try to enjoy his company. I’ll lose another day this week when I take him back to Sarasota, but I’m going to not worry about that either. Out of the two years that I’ve spent working on this book, another two days is not going to make a difference. But I do hope that I can figure out where I’ve gone wrong and what to do about it. I have the annoying feeling right now that as I was falling asleep last night I had an idea and it’s not coming back to me, but maybe that’s an illusion, anyway. Ideas when falling asleep often seem great but that doesn’t mean they are.

The Earthquake Theory of Karma

19 Saturday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in House

≈ 2 Comments

By 8:58 AM, I had burned myself on hot oil, cut myself on a can, and stepped on something sharp, either a tiny piece of glass or a thorn. When I turned around too fast and hit my elbow on my vacuum cleaner, I knew it was probably time to go back to bed. But I have a belief that keeps me going on days like today — the earthquake theory of karma. Basically, when lots of little things are going wrong, I think it’s the universe’s way of bleeding off your bad luck, like the tiny earthquakes that can alleviate stress on a fault line and prevent a major earthquake from happening. So when I’m poking at my foot, trying to figure out what just caused that drop of blood and whether it’s still in there, I’m trying to remember to be grateful that I’m not going to get in a car accident today or drop dead from a heart attack or experience whatever big bad luck might have been headed my way.

Yes, I know it’s ridiculous. But it’s still comforting.

And I’m feeling the need of comforting. I keep reminding myself that this is my choice, my decision, and I can change my mind if I want to. But the fun part of my adventure is a long way away. I’m currently in the stressful part of deciding what needs to be done before I can put the house on the market and what I’m going to keep and how. I’ve done this kind of major purge before, but not nearly as extreme as I’m planning to do it now. When I moved from California to Florida, I got rid of everything… or rather, everything that didn’t have sentimental value. That is a really important distinction.

In the ten years since, I’ve gained lots and lots of stuff, some of it just from living, which is easy to let go of, if tedious to go through, but plenty of it from processes that give it sentimental value. So I look around my room now. There’s a LLadro centaur sitting on my bookcase. I bought it in Spain when I was 17 years old. It lived in my parents house until my mom died, but now I have it. Am I getting rid of it?

Next to it is the entire collected works of Lois McMaster Bujold, everything except her last book, which I have electronically. Am I keeping them? In the corner is a Beanie Baby hedgehog, one of the only stuffed animals left from when Rory was that age. He had dozens, of course, as kids do, but they’re all gone, except for this little hedgehog that’s been keeping me company for the past ten years. Can I say good-bye? In front of it, a tile with Rory’s five-year-old handprint on it. How can I possibly toss that out? And on, and on, and on, it goes.

But I’m basically choosing to re-purchase everything that gets stored. If I rent a storage unit big enough for some items of furniture, it will probably cost $100/month, for a 10 x 10 unit, for maybe at most 400 usable square feet. (I’m calculating 10 x 10 x 4 feet high, but obviously it could be taller. Equally obviously, nothing packs without some room for air, and I can’t just stack all my possessions neatly to the ceiling, so not all the space can be used.) Say I live in the RV for three years, minimum. (And I think those three years will fly by — it could be much longer.) Every item is costing me some portion of $3600. Would I spend $9 on my Lladro centaur? Sure thing. On my Beanie Baby hedgehog… hmm. $50 for the collected works of Bujold? A bargain, but if I was in the bookstore, I wouldn’t choose to spend $50 that way. For Rory’s handprint? Maybe I’ll just drop that on the floor and keep my fingers crossed that it breaks, heartless mother that I am.

I own three sets of china: my mother’s, my grandmother’s, and my great-grandmother’s. The sentimental value is obviously enormous. When I use my grandmother’s plates, I remember Christmas dinners in Bethlehem, putting olives on my fingers, wiggling in my seat while I waited for a pause in the conversation before I could ask to be excused. When I use my great-grandmother’s dishes, I think of her and I think of my aunt, who sent them to me. When I use my mom’s china… you get the picture. But I hardly ever use any of it. Does it really make sense to put it in a storage unit racking up costs indefinitely? It’s not like R wants to inherit three sets of china.

Meanwhile, of course, I’ve barely managed to write a word of Grace because I’ve been so distracted. I write sentences here and there but the chapter I’m in is the hellish “time passes” chapter. I was joking to my friend Lynda yesterday that I should really just write, “Chapter Seventeen, Time passes. Chapter Eighteen,” and get on with it. While walking the dogs this morning I told myself firmly that there is no putting the house on the market until the book is done, so the longer I delay on the book, the longer everything will take. It’s a good mental promise, but instead of coming home and starting to write, I came home and started to clean out the garage. But I am making that commitment — I’m going to finish the book before I try to sell the house. I’ll just be doing all the stuff to get ready to sell the house along the way.

Tomorrow I pick up R in Sarasota for spring break. While he’s home, we’ll go through all this stuff and see what tough decisions he wants to make. I have a feeling it’ll be easy for him and he’ll say “toss it all” but I’ve still got lots of his toys so there might be some serious nostalgia happening first. The Playmobil train is definitely going to be hard to say good-bye to. I might have to set it up and play with it a little first. And somewhere there are some Thomas the Tank Engine pieces that I really might simply not be able to let go of.

So, decisions, decisions. It’s not going to be easy!

Water

17 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in House, RV

≈ 2 Comments

Last night, I walked into the kitchen to get a snack and found water on the floor. Not a lot of water. A tiny trail in the cracks between the tiles.

Two years ago, I would have said, “Huh, must have spilled something,” or blamed it on the dogs. I would have wiped it up with a paper towel and forgotten all about it within ten minutes. Not anymore!

I crouched down on the floor and examined that water like it held the secrets to the universe. It didn’t touch the walls, so it couldn’t be coming from a wall, thank goodness. It didn’t touch the refrigerator, which halfway makes sense, since I never hooked up the water to the fridge again after the debacle of July 2014, where a pinprick hole turned into a major remodel, but also ruined my hope that maybe I’d spilled from the filter water without realizing. It did not appear to be connected to the dogs’ bowl, so it probably wasn’t them being messy.

Finally, I opened the cabinet under the sink and damn it, damn it, damn it, everything was wet. My faucet has a flexible head — the kind that you can pull out to spray water, like a shower hose — and I’d noticed before that it had been leaking. Apparently, the head was loose enough that when it was sitting in the stand, water was draining into the faucet and out below. I’d washed a bunch of dishes earlier and the whole time, water had been drip-drip-dripping into the cabinet. Argh!

I pulled everything out, mopped it up, tightened the faucet, watched for drips, (none, whew), and grumbled. But by the time I was done, I felt like it was the universe saying to me, “yes, really–sell the house!” and I felt joyful again.

Over the course of the six days that I’ve been contemplating this idea, I’ve gone from “well, maybe sometime” to “in 2017, I will” to “perhaps by September I’ll be ready to list the house” to “how soon could I have the house ready to put on the market?” At the moment, I think the answer to that question is May: I have some work scheduled to be done in May that should really be done before I try to sell. But May feels awfully far away. I know it’s really not — I’ve got plenty to do between now and then, including finishing writing Grace! And September still probably makes a lot more sense. But I already want to start planning where I’ll be going & how I’ll be living, not keeping a wary eye out for puddles and worrying about whether I need to get a plumber.

Today the realtor comes and this afternoon, if I manage to write some good words, I might take myself off to an RV lot to see if I can test-drive the model I’m thinking about. Good times!

Ten year blogaversary

16 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in House, Personal, RV

≈ 13 Comments

I mentioned this on Monday, but I started writing this blog ten years ago today.

Time is strange.

Yep, that’s my deep, profound, thoughtful cliche on this anniversary of a decade gone by.

I would not have expected this day to be particularly meaningful to me. My blog has always really been more of a way for me to save my memories and talk to myself than any sort of grand project. I’ve never made any money on it, never intended or tried to, and I don’t pay much attention to whether people are reading it, except for trying to make sure I say hi when people say hi to me. For a long, long time my only reader was me, and when a couple of you started reading regularly, it took me a while to wrap my head around the fact that you were there at all. (Hi, Judy! Hi, Carol! Hi, Barbara! Hi, Other More Anonymous Readers!)

It’s sort of like remembering the anniversary of buying a journal, or maybe buying a kitchen appliance. Like, “Whoa, this is the ten year anniversary of my electric kettle — I sure have made a lot of tea over the years.” I will not notice the ten year anniversary of my electric kettle and I honestly have no idea why I remembered this anniversary, except that I noticed the archive list last month and realized March 2006 was the earliest date in it.

But ten years is actually a remarkable amount of life. Ten years ago, I lived in Santa Cruz, with no intention of moving. I am fairly sure that we were living in a run-down, mold-ridden, rental house where my bedroom window was permanently cracked to let an electric cord through (to the sump pump under the house), and if we weren’t living there, we were about to be.

Ten years ago, my son had recently been diagnosed as having severe, even profound, learning disabilities. Ten years ago, I had a job that paid me well for work that I was very good at and very stifled by. Ten years ago, I had an adorable puppy who I already loved with all my heart.

If you had said to me ten years ago, “What’s your life going to be like in ten years?” and then, “What do you want your life to be like in ten years?”, I would have answered with, “I have no idea,” followed by “I have no idea.”

But if you had said to me back then that in ten years, I would be living in a cute three-bedroom house in Florida with a window seat and French doors to a patio with a swimming pool; that my son would be in college, with multiple scholarships, on the verge of presenting at his second academic conference; that I would be eking out a precarious living by writing fiction; and that the adorable puppy would still be as adorable and would have an adorable companion, I would have laughed at you. That set of fantasies would have seemed as unrealistic as they come, with the second dog pushing the whole thing over the edge into haha, ridiculous.

And yet… here we are. Here I am. That is my reality, or at least a little window on it. For some reason, it makes me want to cry. I wish I could go back to that self, who was always tired, and often depressed, being made sick, sick, sicker by the mold in that horrible house, and tell her what the future would bring. Not that it didn’t bring plenty of bad along with the good — these ten years have held more grief and loss than I could have handled knowing about back then. But it is amazing to me to look around at my life, to think about the friends that I hadn’t even met yet, the knowledge that I didn’t have, and realize how far I’ve come, how much I’ve changed.

But the thing about looking back on ten years is that it also inspires me to look forward. Where do I want to be ten years from now? What do I want out of the next ten years of my life?

I got here by taking chances. By doing things that seemed impulsive and scary. Moving to Florida was huge, quitting my job even bigger, dropping out of graduate school terrifying (and yet still the right call, I think). What terrifying things do I want to do in the next ten years?

Five days ago, I thought, “Maybe I should sell the house and buy an RV. It could be my tiny, mobile house. I could live in it with the dogs, write just the way I do here, cook in my tiny kitchen, and drive around the country looking for beautiful sunsets.”

Four days ago, I started telling people — my dad, my brother, my friend Tim — that I was thinking about it.

Three days ago, I started researching RVs.

Two days ago, I stared cleaning out my garage and closets.

Yesterday, I called a realtor.

Today, I’m making it real. I’ve decided. I’m going to embark on the biggest adventure of my life. It’s exciting and terrifying and exciting again. Getting rid of all of my things is going to be hard and painful and take forever; selling the house is going to simultaneously be enormously freeing and agonizing; the process of buying an RV frightens me like nothing I’ve done since buying a house; and it will be ever so strange when Rory has a school break and I offer him a tent to sleep in, not to mention holidays.

But ten years from now, I want to look back and think, “Wow, you might have been crazy, but you sure were brave.”

Meanwhile, of course, I’m going to finish writing Grace. And even before that, I’m going to walk the dog who’s been gazing at me ever-so-plaintively for the last thirty minutes.

Status update and daydreams

14 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in Randomness

≈ 1 Comment

Writing this weekend was absolutely horrible. Yesterday came very, very close to being the first day of 2015 in which my total word count was less than zero. In fact, it might actually have achieved that dubious honor. But I’m not counting it as such because even if I did delete more words than I wrote, I did write at least a few sentences and the words I deleted were not working anyway. I also discovered my problem, which is what I really needed. Writing work happened, in other words, even if the word count doesn’t show it. Besides, I haven’t been tracking my word count this year, because tracking word count just stresses me out instead of inspiring me.

My problem, alas, was that my ending doesn’t work. It’s strange the number of ways writing can not work. You’d think it would be so straightforward: do the sentences make sense? Do they line up one after another in a proper order? Congratulations, your writing works! But, no, that’s not how it goes. You’ve always got the question of whether they’re good sentences, interesting sentences, but you’ve also got the question of whether they fulfill the promises that the story makes.

In this case, events changed in little ways to the point where my ending no longer made sense. Noah was making a choice that worked for the situation I expected him to be in when I started writing. But along the way, little things happened — not big things, not huge changes, just minor drifts away from my mental image, natural embellishments to my mental map. And suddenly I was at a blank wall, no further progress possible, until I realized that Noah — the real Noah, the Noah on the page, Noah as he had taken form while I wrote — that Noah was nowhere close to being in a dark enough place to do what I was trying to write him to do.

There was much wailing and ranting and pulling of hair when I realized this. Honestly, it’s a good thing I write on a computer and save my file in multiple spaces, because if I’d had one paper copy, I might have taken it out into the backyard and set the damn thing on fire. My frustration level was high enough that watching it go up in smoke might have been really satisfying. But then I would have woken up this morning thinking, “now what?” regarding my own life, instead of spending yesterday evening pondering “now what?” regarding Noah’s life. And my pondering did get me places. I might spend some time writing in some circles, my words might not drive toward the conclusion the way I expected them to, and I probably am not going to finish writing this week (DAMN IT!), but I have a direction this morning and a plan for how I can keep what I liked about my ending and write around the parts that didn’t work. So, progress. Slow and frustrating progress, but progress.

This week is a weird milestone for me. I should wait to write about it until Wednesday, but ten years ago Wednesday, I was at SXSW for work and a co-worker convinced me I should start a blog. To say that I didn’t take it seriously for the first few years would be a dramatic understatement. I had various computer problems, a busy life, and a strong sense of privacy, of not wanting to reveal much about my circumstances to potential professional contacts. I didn’t have my name all over the blog or anything, but there’s no real such thing as anonymity on the internet. Anything you write might someday be discovered by a real-world contact or the whole world. In those first few years, posts were sparse. But it’s been ten of them and wow, ten years is really a lot of life.

It makes me think back — and think forward, too. I think it’s time to make some of my daydreams reality. Not the ones involving magic kingdoms under the sea or small towns where people fall in love but the ones involving my day-to-day life. But there’s a dog stuffing her nose under my fingers, saying, please, please, please, her tail wagging, so more about that the next time I write. Happy Mondays! May all your work this week delight you. Hey, I like that wish so much I’m going to make it for me, too — may all our work this week delight us!

Book reviews (the ones I write)

10 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by wyndes in Books, Reviews

≈ 7 Comments

One of my goals for this year — which sounds sort of grandiose, but is better than calling it a resolution, I suppose — was to record the books I read on Goodreads with at least a few words about each one. This wasn’t about public consumption. I wasn’t planning on writing the type of reviews that would help other people choose their books. I just wanted to remember the books I read.

Side note: what a weird word “read” is. Same spelling, two different pronunciations depending on tense. I actually reworded a sentence in that first paragraph so the two different pronunciations wouldn’t happen in rapid succession, because it felt so disorienting. English is a lovely language in many ways, so flexible, so rich, but it is so strange sometimes. Ahem. Back to our previously scheduled discussion…

Obviously, it sounds pretty brainless not to be able to remember the books I read. Is it even reading if six months later, I retain nothing of the story? But when I’m on a roll, I can read two or three books a day, and three hours of mild entertainment does not necessarily stick in long-term storage.

But my goal hasn’t been easy to accomplish, mostly because the last few books I read (or didn’t read, as the case may be) would have gotten reviews that might have seemed scathing. One of them started great. I might even have paid for it after reading the Look Inside. But four chapters in, I was forced to concede complete and utter boredom. I wanted to sleep more than I wanted to read, and it wasn’t night time. That… is not a nice review.

Another one I finished, but mostly because I kept wondering whether it could get more stupid. Answer: yes! It could, it did. It was the “everything AND the kitchen sink” marathon of romantic cliches. (The author, incidentally, is a best-selling indie and probably phenomenally wealthy by this time, so who am I to judge?)

A third was readable but about a third of the way through I was pretty sure that the mystery was going to turn out to be the painfully obvious “teenage girl was being sexually abused” and by halfway through I was sure of it and so I skipped to the end. I was right. As a plot device, the discovery that the teenage girl was an abuse victim is so unrewarding. It’s the justification for everything, anything, and it’s never a surprise.

Those reviews are exactly the kind of content I’d like to keep with the books’ names, so that when I see the books again in my Kindle cloud, I can refresh my memory of what my experience with the book was. But I don’t want to post them publicly because they’re so personal. They’re about my experience with the book, not thoughtful, well-reasoned, articulate assessments of reading material for someone else’s edification. For all I know, on another day, I might have been much more tolerant of books 1 and 3. (Not 2, I would never have liked that one. But lots of people apparently do, so hey, good for them. All reading is good reading, IMO.)

Anyway, I’m not sure where I was going with this, except that I wish Kindle had better tools for keeping private reviews. I sometimes make notes on a book’s cover or first page, especially when it’s a DNF, but then I have to download the book again to see the note. Hmm, and it just occurred to me to wonder whether the drive-by Dresden fan who only reads authors who agree with their precise taste and politics is subconsciously influencing me, despite my intellectual disdain for their attitude. I might have to think more about that.

Either way, though, I’m failing in my goal to review more of the books I read, and I’m going to try to do better. As soon as I finish writing the book I’m writing. Four chapters to go, I think, but they are, of course, big ones. And I might sneak another one in there, just because it would be fun.

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