I’m not sure why I woke up in a bleak mood this morning. Nothing went wrong, nothing bad happened, and yet my old enemy depression grabbed me by the throat and started beating me up.
To this level: I opened the cupboard to get the coffee and somehow knocked a glass out. It shattered on the granite countertop and I sighed and decided to finish making coffee before cleaning up. And in the 90 seconds while I scooped the coffee and ran the water, my brain kept cycling around the question of whether I could kill myself with the broken glass but still somehow make it look like an accident. I’m not suicidal. I have no intention of killing myself. But that thought process is known as suicidal ideation and it’s one of the deepest and most frustrating symptoms of depression for me. I finished making the coffee and I cleaned up the glass carefully and I fed the dogs and I tried very hard not to hate myself.
And then I opened Facebook and read this post from Anne Lamott. And you should absolutely go read the whole thing, because it is so worth it, but this line — “The author might mention in passing that we get to start a new, sillier, more self-forgiving day whenever we want to.” — that line is the gift of grace that I needed this morning.
(Really, go read the whole thing. I want to quote it all. And then read the comments, because many of them are lovely and moving, too.)
Today, I am going to be silly and self-forgiving. And I’m going to write a lot of good words, and maybe I’m even going to hunt down some Valentine’s Day chocolate (or other chocolate, I’m not picky).
And on a totally unrelated note:Yesterday’s invented recipe was acorn squash, sprinkled with ginger and cinnamon and roasted, then filled with a mix of apple, red onion, cucumber, dried cranberry, and diced chicken apple sausage. I think it would have been better if I’d used celery instead of cucumber and heated up the filling, plus the addition of some toasted pecans and goat cheese would have been amazing, but I want to save it for future reference anyway. Delicious, healthy, filling, and even AIP.